A day for me

I don’t know what today holds, but I know it will consist of self care and listening to my body.

I’ve been physically and mentally exhausted, and I am running on empty. I’m 23 weeks pregnant today, and I’m feeling it every second. Today, if I need to sleep, I will sleep. If I need to eat, I’ll eat. And I won’t hate myself or feel guilty for fulfilling my most basic needs.

Every week that I gain weight (because I’m pregnant) I hate myself and feel like a failure, which I know is ridiculous. But it’s still something that frustrates me and makes me feel badly about myself.

Baby boy is starting to get more active, and I’m happy about that. Each kick is a reminder that I’m not alone, that I’m not doing this for me. He is worth it, and I’m glad that he is with me.

But today, I need to focus on myself. I’ve run myself into the ground, and today, my “good enough” line will be to take care of my needs. I won’t feel guilty for laying in bed and resting and watching Netflix all day if that’s what I need to do. My husband will entertain the kids like I do every single other day of the week, and that’s okay today.

I don’t know why we so often feel guilty for taking the time and space for ourselves. Our needs matter, we matter.

The climate of the world right now is scary. And that is going to take a toll on the mental health of so many of us. The one thing I will say, and I’ll scream if from the rooftops, is that adoption is NOT a solution. You CANNOT force someone into adoption. Adoption is trauma. Read any of my blog posts about it, and you’ll see what I mean. And that’s when it was my choice. The fact that we as women and individuals are being stripped of our choices and our rights is just….frankly, it’s disgusting. And I feel quite a lot of things about it, as a person who has been of every single side of the equation here.

Today, I will spend the day trying to fill my cup and not feeling guilty for recharging. We need to take care of ourselves, every single one of us. And we need to relearn that that’s okay. That we deserve, and need to care for ourselves. I think that a lot of us fall into the caretaker role, but when it comes to ourselves, we fall short. I know I do.

This week I won’t have therapy because she isn’t there, and my doctor said I won’t have my amniocentesis results until Friday (ugh!!!!) so I know I’m in for a very long week.

But I can control today. And I can take care of myself and listen to my body, which is begging me to slow down. So that is what I’m going to do.

And I’m going to try not to feel so guilty doing it. I hope you do the same.