I feel every kind of blah that exists right now. Every part of my life feels so unfulfilling and vague. Like nothing is important, nothing matters, nothing is real.
Everything feels so overwhelming and stressful. This pregnancy has kicked my ass physically, and I still haven’t gotten results from my amniocentesis nearly 3 weeks ago.
Therapy feels distant, my marriage feels distant, even writing feels distant. Like I’m less connected to it, and I have to force myself just to start. To say something.
I feel like I don’t have a voice anymore. Like the things I say don’t matter, don’t need to be said. Like I don’t matter.
Overall, I think I just feel like a failure. I feel like I can’t do anything right at all, so why bother trying. Why bother existing. As far as my mental health goes, I think I actually convinced myself that I felt “okay” for a few days.
But then I realized that “okay” I thought I was feeling was just this deep, intense numbness.
I want these close relationships to exist in my life. I want it almost so badly that it hurts. But then I push people away and I withdraw and isolate because everything just feels so…I don’t even know. It just feels bad. I feel bad.
It’s like I’m alone, stranded on an island. I just keep waiting for someone to find me, to come rescue me so I don’t have to stay here by myself anymore. But no one is coming, no one cares. They visit, they know I’m here, they wave from afar…but no one wants to help save me from this misery and torture I’m living in.
It’s no one’s fault but my own. And I guess no one should be expected to save me but myself. I just feel like I can’t do it on my own, I can’t save myself. I just don’t know how to. So instead, I’ve shut down. I’ve stopped trying, stopped caring.
When I don’t know what to do, I just stop. And I feel numb, and withdrawn, and so, completely shitty.
I want the people in my life to force me to feel something. I want them to pry to doors open and force themselves in. Not leaving until I’m full of feeling. Feeling good, feeling bad, feeling raw….just anything.
I know that I’m no one’s job, no one’s responsibility. But I’d like the think that the people on my life know me well enough to know that I would (and have) done the same for them.
I don’t want to be the person that pushes people away and waits and hopes for them to push back. I know it’s wrong and not good, but maybe the fact that I’m aware of it will be helpful.
Today feels bad. A lot of them have felt bad lately. But my husband is trying, and he’s trying to show me that he loves me. I guess it’s up to me to accept it or not. It’s a start, anyway.
I really just wish I felt something other then this massively overpowering numbness.
I think you matter and the things you say matter.
If your husband was trying to pry the doors open, what would have to happen to prevent you from reinforcing them with more deadbolts?
I don’t know. I think I would need to feel like he was genuine and actually did care. And he would need to push back against my resistance. But I know I need to work harder at trusting people too.