I didn’t mean to hurt you

I’m sorry I did this to you. To all of you. I never meant to hurt you.

Today I was confronted with some ugly realities, and it hit home just how much bad I’ve done.

Maybe I was selfish, maybe I was wrong. I never should’ve wanted you, loved you into existence.

These are the things I don’t feel strong enough to talk about, to write about. Somehow speaking of them hurts almost as much as keeping them in, keeping them to myself.

A life bound and determined to remain in isolation. Alone with the burden of myself.

I’ve brought a lifetime of pain to so many. A deed I’ll never be able to undo, or forgive myself for.

If not with my genes, my own genetic betrayals, I’m sure my presence alone has hurt you. I can’t undo the pain I’ve caused, unwilling as it was.

A 5 year old in a wheelchair, a 3 year old not far behind…a lifetime of worries, questions and unknowns.

I’m sorry that I hurt you.

I promise, I didn’t know I could.

I only ever meant to hurt myself.

I’ll do my best to fix it…but some hurt cannot be undone. I know, I’ve lived it too. I’ve tried to escape it too.

I can’t undo the hurt I’ve caused you, but please know, it’s hurt me too.

I’m hurting too. And I really am sorry.

I wish I didn’t carry this guilt, the burden of such destruction. But I’ll carry it for you. This never should have been your burden.

I thought it was mine, and mine alone.

I wish I could take it back. I’d take it back if I could.

I’m sorry I’ve spread my burden. I only ever wanted to spread my love.