It’s Sunday night, and for what seems like no reason at all, I’m sitting here suffering through relentless anxiety.
There’s really no good reason for it. It was a good weekend, my husband was actually in a good mood (as opposed to feeling stressed and overwhelmed at times) and didn’t make me feel anything less than loved…and I don’t know. I feel like there’s no reason to be feeling badly right now, other than that I just do.
To be fair, I guess I feel like I have a lot of my plate. I’m a week away from being in my 3rd trimester, I feel like nothing is done, everything is more cluttered and disorganized than I’d like it to be, physically I feel like complete shit…it’s just a lot.
I’ll be honest, I haven’t been taking care of myself as well as I should be. This hibernating addiction to alcohol that I’ve suppressed for the past 26 weeks is absolutely ravaging it’s way through my body and looking for an out any way it can get it.
The toxic, negative parts of me don’t want to stay down and buried, they fucking want out.
I’m not eating as much as I should be because I’m afraid of gaining too much weight. (Control.) I’m looking for what seems like any or everything to transfer this addiction to, something…suitable for pregnancy. Caffeine, V8 juice, chocolate, just…anything. Hell, I’d even tolerate sex right now just to feel something, and we all know how I typically feel about that (it hurts, and triggers my ptsd in a severe way). Anything is better than nothing. I feel like I need SOMETHING.
Every part of me wants to drink right now. It’s killing me having to abstain. But I will. No matter how hard it is, I know that right now, I have to do this.
I didn’t feel like this with my last pregnancy. It was so easy not to drink, and I still relapsed harder than ever, and had my worst few years of drinking as a result.
I don’t know, I’m just struggling. Like I said, this beast doesn’t want to stay down any longer. And I fear when it does inevitably surface…it’ll be worse than ever.
And worse than it was? Shit. There’s no way to survive that.
To put it nicely, I should already be dead.
I don’t know why it wants to come back.
If there’s any indication of my headspace right now, the song lyric circling my head right now is from a song I haven’t listened to in a good while. Yet still, the lyrics remain relevant, and my brain knows it.
“I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you’ve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand…..”