Small steps toward growth…hopefully

So, I did something kind of cool (for me, anyway)…I reached out and asked for help.

Look, I don’t know if this is one of those “big deal” things, and we all know that I hate labels here. But I’m also honest. And even when it’s hard, I have to be honest with myself. Part of that hard honesty is to admit that, well, I guess I do need help. And I can’t just do it all on my own. No one can do everything on their own, but especially when it comes to sobriety, I don’t think that’s a journey best traveled solo.

Trust is hard for me, and it’s not something that comes easily or naturally. So putting myself in a vulnerable position to where I’m naturally just supposed to have that inherent trust for someone? Yeah, I guess it’s a little impressive.

While I still don’t want to do AA, or any big formal kind of thing like that yet…I did reach out to someone who has said that they’re willing to “sponsor” me. Or, as I like to call it, “a friend who will help me make better choices”.

I don’t really get it yet, and I don’t really get the “rules” (if there are any), but damn. I took a step, and it feels like a healthy one. One of the things I’m always saying is that I need more people, I need more support. And this feels like a really positive step towards that.

As of right now, this very moment in time, again, we encourage honest here…I have no intention of staying sober after I have this baby. I want to drink. I miss it, and I feel like I need it. No, I don’t ever want to go back to drinking at the extreme levels that I was….but still. Its just…it feels like too big of a part of me to let go of. Forever is a very long time.

It’s so scary to think of a life where I just never drink again. And I think, maybe, unless you’ve been in this position, you maybe don’t know what that feels like, or why it’s so hard. Or maybe you do…I really don’t know.

Alcohol has been in my life since I was 15 years old. And letting it go feels like losing a part of me, it feels like losing my identity almost. I’ve always been able to say “see you later” to it for the duration of my pregnancies…but the addiction has come back stronger and harder each time.

I’m expecting this time to be no different.

I’m one of the lucky ones, I know I am.

I haven’t gotten hurt. I haven’t gotten in trouble, my kids have not been affected in any way by my drinking, my marriage hasn’t fallen apart….

But I know that’s all just something that hasn’t happened…yet. And I know that all of that, and more, will happen if I continue to head down the road that I find myself so comfortable on. It’s like driving on a road late at night with flat tires and no headlights. You’d be pretty fucking stupid to keep driving. Because sooner or later, someone will get hurt.

I’m proud of myself for making the steps that I made, however small they are. And I have no idea if it will work out, or if I’ll piss this person off and they’ll end up hating me and leaving, or if I just won’t fucking get it and give up on myself.

But for today, I made a step. And I’ll keep making small steps with the hope that when this baby does come, I’ll continue to find the strength to stay sober and healthy.

I’ve heard that it’s worth it, and I’ve heard that it’s better. So we’ll see. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll find something “better”.