When you wake up with nothing left to give.

Do you ever just wake up, and feel like you’ve just got nothing in you to offer the day? That’s how I feel today. I woke up just completely on empty, nothing in the tank.

My legs are more swollen than usual, everything hurts, and I just…I just don’t have it today. But no matter how badly I’m feeling, the day doesn’t stop. The shit that needs to get done doesn’t stop.

I wish, just for a minute…just for a day, that it could all stop. But I never truly get that. You know, that break, that reprieve from the world…that inner peace and stillness.

Because of how I feel, and the fact that I feel like my own needs aren’t being met, I noticed that I’m starting to feel resentful about it. I’m resentful and upset with my husband for not doing more, for not meeting my needs before they get to this point, and for not just…making me feel better. For not saving me from this.

How I feel towards him right now isn’t fair, I know that. This isn’t his fault, and he is trying his best. But I am exhausted, and I want to be a little bit selfish right now. I want him to just stay home from work and deal with the kids – just for 1 day – so I can take a freaking break. But he doesn’t have any more PTO until August, and he doesn’t want to get in trouble at work. He’s kind of the boss. So I get it.

But I’m still not happy about it. It’s not easy being pregnant in general, and it’s even harder when you have a body that’s designed to fail you. So the exhaustion is just…it’s wearing on me. And on top of that, my 5 year old is having his own tough day and requiring extra care and needing his wheelchair today. So, it’s just a whole lot today already.

My husband doesn’t deserve my resentment towards him. He is quite literally trying his best. He wants, and tries, to make his family as happy as possible, and I know he’s under a lot of pressure too.

Just now, he brings me half of his breakfast that he made for himself because he knows I’m too grumpy to want to eat, even though I’m hungry.

I feel bad talking about this, I really do. But if the big headline of the day has become “yay, I had enough in me to take a shower today”…if that’s the bar, than something really needs to change.

I mean, is it so much to ask for to just grow this damn child in some peace and relaxation?!

I’m kidding. I didn’t sign up for an easy path when I wanted to get pregnant again, I know that. But still. I didn’t think it would feel quite like this.

Maybe my 3 year old will take a 2 hour nap and I can lay down and rest while my 5 year old has a snack and watches Bluey. (Or will it be Curious George today?)

I just feel like I want to give up, I want to quit. I wish I could be self destructive and fall apart…but I can’t. I have to be the one that holds it together for everyone else.

But today? I just don’t have it in me to do so.

12 thoughts on “When you wake up with nothing left to give.”

    1. Hey, I consider it a good day if I’m not getting yelled at for something. 🙄 But yeah. I wish I could count on them for more than I do. You’d think it would be easier by now…but no.

      1. Minor setbacks for a major comeback💪🏻 what can help you get out of a situation like this.. I’m sure you’ve considered it but outweigh your options. I’d love to see you prosper with a story like yours!! The little information I’ve seen shows me you are hopeful.

  1. Keep your head up! It honestly probably does feel like an endless cycle. Being a mom with 2 children is draining.. enjoy your time with them tho, it flies by. If you have time, read one of my recent posts. I’m writing to help moms start a new journey in their life. Trust me, I’ve been where you are😪 It gets better! Just trust yourself that you are doing everything in your power to make sure you have a better life because you deserve it!!!

    1. It definitely does go by quickly. It always surprises me how fast it goes. I just wish it wasn’t always quite so draining.
      I’ll check it out!

  2. I’m resentful and upset with my husband for not doing more, for not meeting my needs before they get to this point, and for not just…making me feel better. For not saving me from this.

    I feel this expression deep in my bones. When I find myself in the rabbit’s hole, Mitch is always the first target of my resentment… whether he deserves it or not; mostly, because he’s “safe”. I know that I can cry, scream, rail with all my might against him… and he’ll still be standing beside me when it all comes to a crashing halt and I re-stabilize. And when I apologize, it’s over. (In contrast to the household I grew up in, Mitch does not keep a running tally of all my misgivings — and does not hold them over me.)

    I don’t have that same relationship with my family. They’re judgmental, quick to anger, and know exactly how to pull my hair triggers… which causes bad behavior on my part that just escalates the issue at hand.

    Things are so hard for you right now… and that’s okay. It’s okay to let go of the reigns, too. As much as I want to believe that the people I love couldn’t get by without me; they can. I know that your health situation — and that of your kiddos — makes that statement untrue for the three of you… but your hubby? He can get by (and can probably take control) when you need a break.

    Ask for the weekend “off”, try not to judge him for how he runs the household, and just relax as best you can. You’ve earned it, Girl.

    1. That’s good that he’s easily forgiving and not a grudge holder, I think my husband is the same way. I don’t forget things as easily, though. And I still let my past inform a lot of decisions about my present.

      I need to learn to let go of control. It’s a problem, I need to get better at it. And at allowing him to do things in his own way. He can be so passive and I can be so…me…so it’s sometimes so easy to just fall into our “roles”, even when we both know better

  3. I’ve read the already made comments and I’m afraid mine would sound like most of those. I feel your resentment as I felt the same when I got told I had a chronic pain illness and I just needed to learn to deal with it. I felt alone, sad and in pain. I lost so much with just two sentences and I took it out on my then wife. I think she resented me for that as well as in her eyes, she did her best. But in mine she was selfish and looking out for her needs being met first before she’d worry about mine. Guess that’s why, after a while, my divorce started to feel like it lifted a big burden…
    I do hope you’ll be able to talk to your husband about this. I’m sure he does try to meet your needs, but if he doesn’t know which needs you’d like to be “served”, it can be hard for him to figure out “how to do right by you”. If that makes any sense. I hope you will feel free enough to tell him which chores you’d be OK with getting help with so you can relax (and not worry about how he does those chores 😉).
    Wishing you the best, it’s almost August, if that helps anything… 😊 ♥

    1. He does definitely try to meet my needs, but it’s hard when he doesn’t exactly know how to, or what I need. I guess that starts with me identifying what I really need, and being better at communicating that.
      I’m glad you were able to get out of your marriage, I can see why it felt like a burden being lifted. That’s a hard situation to be in.

      1. It is often hard to explain your ways and you feel it’s easier just done by yourself. I know that feeling all too well. 😊
        Yes I always felt my marriage was good but after the depression lifted and I was able to reflect, I’m glad I’ve gotten out of it…

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