When I went in to get my 3 year old from his bed this morning, he looked at me, gave me a sleepy smile and a big hug and said “Good morning, Mommy. It’s a new day! I love you”. And honestly? It was just what I needed to get my day started on a better foot. Because let me tell you, I did not have a good night last night.
This morning, I woke up in a frustrated mood. I’m not feeling great, and I had a looong night. My high risk OB ended up sending me to Labor and Delivery to get checked out again, but by the time I got there, it was nearly 10pm. And I didn’t get home until well after midnight.
Now, I don’t know how much experience you have with hospitals and staffing…but let’s just say, my care team that knows me and my medical history was not on call. And the doctor who was treating me was….well, let’s just say she was…unkind? Uneducated in the department of me? Confused?
Despite having 3 flagged tests, an abnormal EKG and a noticeably worse heart murmur, she determined that I was “fine enough for now” and that she didn’t know what to do with me, so she sent me home with instructions to follow up with my regular doctor today to “figure out what to do with me”.
I hate going to the hospital in general, and it’s even worse when I feel like I’m made to feel a certain type of way about it. Like, my symptoms aren’t real, or good enough, or valid…I don’t know. I’ve been blown of medically for the incredible majority of my life, and it’s just something I’m sensitive about now.
I’m grateful for MY doctors who know me and take things seriously…but I hate going outside of that network so much. It’s the same thing with my kids. I’m so grateful to THEIR care team who know them, and treat them accordingly.
Anyway…I did go to therapy last night. It’s the reason I went to the hospital so late..I wanted to go to therapy instead. And I did not want to go to the hospital.
My therapist called it a “new level of avoidance”. Hah. She’s not wrong. I can’t help it that I really fucking hate hospitals.
Therapy was otherwise productive, and I’m glad I went. Avoidance was a major topic, not surprisingly. But at the end, she did look at me slightly disappointingly and suggest that I don’t neglect my healthcare. So, there’s that.
I’m still waiting to hear back from my doctor this morning, and my husband had to take another day off from work. So I’m just…I’m frustrated, to say the least. I just want things to be normal and fine…whatever that means.
Like my son said…it’s a new day. So let’s see what it brings.
Anyway, enjoy this text exchange between my dad and I from last night. I had just gotten home from therapy, and I guess he was confused about what I meant at first. Shows how much he loves me I guess. 🤦🏻♀️🤣