Ready to resume “normalcy”

Well, we did it. We survived…mostly. The majority of us are free from the bullshit that Covid was, but we all still have some lingering effects.

It’s funny, every single person in my house who got covid (my parents, husband, myself and 2 kids), had a COMPLETELY different experience. No one’s symptoms were the same, everyone just had a completely different path. I’m just glad it’s over.

And that I managed to get out of it still pregnant.

I’m 35 weeks now, and if I had to put money on it, I’d say that we will probably have baby boy here within the next 2 weeks. If I go longer than 2 more weeks, I’ll be genuinely shocked.

Today is the first day in over a week that has looked any type of “normal”. Where we all woke up, and did our normal routine, our normal schedule…mostly.

My 3 year old had a massive nosebleed in his bed that required an hours worth of cleaning…but other than that. People got ready for work, I got ready for a normal day of therapies with the kids, and all of that stuff.

It feels…strangely good to fall back into this pattern of normalcy. My routine is my own again. And I thought that with Covid coming at the time that it did…that I might never see “normal” again. I know I’m running on borrowed time at this point, and once this baby comes, this “normal” that I have now will never return.

That thought…the thought that these are the very last few days I’ll ever see of this “normal”…it’s absolutely terrifying.

My life is so hard and consuming right now as it is. Everyone has needs that exceed what it seems like I’m capable of giving. The thought of adding an entire new person into the mix…it seems impossible. It seems like I can’t possibly be spread any thinner, and yet, that’s exactly what it will be.

I’m so excited to have this baby. I want nothing more than to meet him and hold him and love him…he has no idea just how incredibly loved he already is. But it’s also scary. All of the “what if’s” continuously circling my head, all of the unknowns…

To be honest, I’m not enjoying what my “normal” is right now. I’m not enjoying my days spent home, feeling like nothing but a referee for my kids most days. I think we’re all frustrated, and I think we all need a change. Its hard feeling stuck in this seemingly endless loop where everything looks the same.

Yes, this is my normal, and we all know I crave “normalcy” and consistency…whatever that looks like. But I’m also looking forward to this change. It’s scary and terrifying and…unknown…but maybe, it will become a better version of our normal.

For now, I’m just ready to be back to our regular routine, where no one is sick and we’re not all cooped up in our house for weeks.

But, shit. It might only be Monday morning, but I’m ready for the day to be over. I have not had a break from these kids, from being “on” in a longgg time.

And I just need some time to be “off”. I need some time for me. It has been a long and brutal few weeks…and I need some time to recover.

This introvert has spent far too long being trapped in a house with sick and grumpy people.

I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow, because truthfully, right now I’m just feeling very broken and very defeated. My life has become harder to manage than I feel capable of dealing with…

And I really just want to give up. I don’t feel strong, I feel broken.

My “normal” makes me feel broken sometimes. And that really scares me.

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