“I deserve this”

Remember that brick wall I painted for therapy a few weeks ago? That brick wall of addiction?

Well, part 2 of whatever we’re doing with that wall was to fill out and label the bricks. To identify what my brick wall is made of, of all the thoughts and feelings and actions keeping me stuck where I am.

We made the list in therapy the last time I was there, and I’ve been working on actually writing it out on the wall.

But by far, I think one of the hardest bricks, one of the most challenging to overcome, is the one that says “I deserve this”.

When I have a bad day, or something bad or hard happens, my first, gut reaction, is to drink.

I had a bad day. I deserve this.

Today was shit. I definitely deserve a drink right now.

Oh, something terrible happened. That definitely means I can have a drink.

Or even if something good happens, it’s the same thought process. I want to “celebrate”, or give myself something to look forward to, or the idea that a drink will make the “happy” feelings better.

I had…a really, really bad day on Sunday. The kind of bad day that I just didn’t even want to talk about, let alone write about. Something bad happened, and I was devastated. And the VERY first thought I had was that “I need a drink right now, I deserve this. This bad thing happened, and now I get a drink”.

And if I wasn’t pregnant, that’s exactly what I would have done. In fact, I probably would have had well more than one drink, and the rest of the day and night would have gotten away from me.

Even this morning, it’s the same thing. I’m having a bad morning. My husband woke up with a migraine, so he’s basically just laying on the floor until he leaves for work. Yesterday, my son had a huge nosebleed in his bed that needed to be cleaned up first thing in the morning, so that means that 2 days in a row, I’m having to be “on” during the only hour of the day that my husband usually is home to help out.

Usually, my husband entertains the kids from like 7:10am until 7:50am before he has to get ready to go to work. That very small window of time is the ONLY time I get to myself during the day. And frankly, I need it. I cannot function without a few minutes of down time and quiet time.

Yet here we are, 2 days in a row now, on TOP of the absolute shit week we’ve had dealing with Covid, that I am not getting that.

So, yeah. Right now the feelings of “I deserve this” are fucking strong, and I want nothing more than to self medicate and just…I don’t know. Give myself a feeling that I’m intending, rather than being trapped in the feelings that life is insisting on handing me.

The “I deserve this” brick works both ways too, though.

I deserve to die, I deserve to suffer…I deserve every bad thing that happens to me and I should give up and not care anymore.

It’s a dangerous brick with a lot of power behind it.

I have therapy again tonight, and even though I have no idea how it will go or what will come from it…I’m really hoping that it goes well. I need it. I just need one good thing for ME, that is helpful and healing for ME, without having to think about or worry about anyone else.

Maybe I want to be a little selfish, maybe I deserve to be. But either way…I think that without being a little bit selfish right now, I’m going to crack.

And that just isn’t a version of me that I have time for right now.