I woke up this morning just consumed with anxiety. Not sure why, or where it’s coming from, but it is there and it is strong.
Therapy went well last night, so that’s always a positive thing. We mostly talked about my kids and my son and what the heck to do about school for him next year. Let’s just say…the options for a good fit for him are limited. That, and I really feel like sending him somewhere else besides being home with me is like giving up. I don’t know why, but it feels like I’m failing if I send him to school. Yes, I know that’s ridiculous. But it really just feels like I’m failing.
Things are more or less “okay” right now. My marriage feels…more or less as stable as it gets, everything is on track to be “normal”…but still…there’s this feeling that I can’t shake.
I had this feeling a few weeks ago, a feeling that shit was about to hit the fan…and then it did. We all god Covid and it was completely miserable.
I have that feeling again now. Like…just this feeling of impending doom. Like something bad is about to happen, and I just can’t stop it.
I’m feeling financially insecure on top of all of it, and that’s probably the worst feeling of all. I’ve had to start paying out of pocket for some of my kids therapies, my car payment went up, and with my husbands unpaid paternity leave in a few weeks…I don’t know. It just feels overwhelming and scary.
I’m about to add a whole new person into this world. Someone I am solely responsible for in every single way. And there’s just no way I can feel prepared for that. I feel like I’ve done nothing to get ready for him, yet I’ve done everything I can possibly do. But I can’t stop feeling like I’m behind. Like I’m missing something….like I’m forgetting things and I’m just destined to fail.
What if I can’t do it, and this isn’t all going to be as seamless as I’m hoping it will be? What if everything goes wrong and nothing is fine ever again?
And what if I completely fall apart and just can’t do it? What if I realize I’m just completely spread too thin, and I just…crack and crumble under the pressure of it all?
I don’t know. I’m just really not feeling good about things right now. I’m incredibly overwhelmed and anxious, and it feels like there’s nothing I can do.
It feels like I’m just sitting and waiting for the storm to hit. I’ve tried to be as prepared as possible…but like with any storm…
You really just don’t know what you’re missing until you’re sitting there in the destruction.
Until it’s too late.
Has your mental health taken a big hit postpartum with your other kids? Does that seem likely to be part of the impending storm?
It’s hard to say. After my first son, I was also grieving the loss of him, so I was in probably the darkest place of my life at that time. My second son was an EXTREMELY difficult baby, and I struggled a LOT and was incredibly sleep deprived.
I don’t remember feeling that bad after my 3 year old was born, but then again, that is also when I started drinking insane amounts.
So I guess, yeah, my mental health usually takes a hit. And I think I’m probably scared that’s going to play a role in everything.