Craving change? Or just sick of the now

As comfortable as I am in routine and normalcy, for some reason, right now I am really looking forward to change.

I don’t know if it’s that my life has become so difficult and stressful and, well, basically unbearable that I can’t stand the thought of another day going through the motions, or what…but I just can not wait for basically everything to change.

With my other kids, I wasn’t in a big rush to go into labor. I didn’t feel disappointed every day I woke up still pregnant. I was just…okay with how things were, and not in any big rush for life to completely be turned upside down.

But this time, this pregnancy…holy shit, am I ready to be DONE. I’m 37 weeks, so I technically still have a few weeks to go, but my last son was born at 38 weeks and I know my doctors don’t really even want me being pregnant for much longer. So even thought I know it’s going to be soon…I just wish every day that it was now.

It’s like, I’m just so ready for my life to be interrupted. I’m almost looking forward to the days in the hospital. As awful as that is, I feel like being in labor, pushing out a whole baby, being in basically excruciating pain and then bleeding for weeks on end…that almost seems preferable than to spend another day living my current life.

If that sounds fucked up, believe me, it feels that way too.

I’m stressed, I’m hurting, I’m anxious and I’m just…ready to do something different. I’m ready for my role to change.

I have a doctor appointment this morning (with my regular doctor, thankfully) and I’m hoping that she’ll have something productive to tell me. I think I’ve started having prodromal labor, which is basically just labor that starts and stops over the course of a few days to weeks, so that’s been annoying. I’ll have contractions every like 12-16 minutes for a few hours, and then they stop. Ugh.

I’m just looking forward to all of this being over. I want to have my baby, I want to meet him and hold him, I’m ready to have my body back…I’m just ready.

Like I said, I think I’m just ready for my role to change. I think the most genuinely happy I’ve ever been is when my now 3 year old was a baby. He was just…I don’t know. He healed my heart in so many ways that I didn’t even know was possible.

And I think, if I’m being honest, I’m hoping that the same thing happens again.

I know babies shouldn’t and can’t be born with jobs or expectations, and this little boy certainly isn’t. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping that he’d heal my heart just like I’ve experienced before.

I need something positive in my life. And I’m just hoping that this season of change brings that feeling. But either way, I can’t wait to meet him and have him here with me.

I’m ready for this change. I really hope it will be a good one.