Back to reality, let the anxiety begin.

We got home from the hospital yesterday around 4pm. The kids met their new baby brother and opened their “big brother” gifts and had were very excited about the whole thing.

After they went to bed, reality sink in and I kind of started to panic and get some really bad anxiety. Looking over at this brand new baby who I was sure was going to keep me awake all night gave me such a sense of panic and doom.

Like, what have I gotten myself into, will it ever be okay again? Will I ever sleep again, or have time to eat or shower or have a thought to myself?

It got overwhelming very quickly.

The night was extremely rough. He slept for maybe 2 hours in the beginning, woke up at midnight, and then stayed awake until nearly 4am. Ugh.

Certainly not your ideal first night home. It was about as bad as I was fearing. I got just about no sleep, haven’t really eaten, and am overall just not feeling great.

I’m so glad that he’s here, and I love him so incredibly much. I feel okay (other than tired) during the day, but as soon as the evening hours come around, this panic sets in and I start getting anxiety about what the night will bring.

I know it won’t be like this (sleepless) forever, but in the meantime, it’s really fucking hard. Especially when my other 2 boys really don’t give a shit about how I’m feeling (naturally) and still have their own needs and demands.

It’s going to be a bit of a tough transition for all of us, I think. I’m grateful for my husband being home and helping out as much as he can.

Both the physical and the emotional recovery are going to take some time, and I guess that’s just part of the process.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to soak up the cuddles and enjoy the quiet moments whenever they happen to pop up.

It does go quickly, I know that. And even though anxiety is present and fierce, I know this is a time in my life I’ll never get back. And I need to keep that in perspective, too.

8 thoughts on “Back to reality, let the anxiety begin.”

  1. You got this! 💪🏼 And wow what a lovely picture of the boys together. I hope you can get some sleep soon, it’s always hard to function on barely any sleep. 😊 Very happy that it went well enough that you were able to get home again.

      1. Ow yay, he’s already slowly settling in. 😊 I hope it will go even better over time. So you can all enjoy your time together instead of feeling too tired. 😊

  2. Congratulations and bless you for bringing some new life into the world Alana! It is not easy AT ALL!
    I was the worst pregnant person on the planet- found zero joy in it – but then when my son was born I missed the simplicity of just him being in my belly 24/7 and not out in the world crying – that cry sent shivers up my spine
    Shivers of stress and dread
    The exhaustion – the confusion – the hormones – ugh!
    You will get through it all and hopefully you will catch moments of beauty amongst the tired and weary💙❤️💙much love to you ! Ask someone to take over so you can sleep soooooon!!

    1. I remember those feelings all too well with my 5 year old when he was a newborn. I literally have ptsd from his infancy. It was brutal. I’m hoping this one is much easier…🤞
      I’m definitely trying to focus on making the happy memories in between the moments of fatigue

  3. I relate to how you were feeling.. remember the first few days being up with baby and god, it was so super difficult. And I just have one! Dont know how you manage it with your two other little guys. Alana, you’re a super MOM 🙂 Pat yourself on the back for that. You have 3 beautiful little ppl who depend on you and you’re wonderful for that!

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