It’s been 4 days since baby Atlas was born, and we’ve been adjusting to life with him since.
Aside from night 2, which was by far the worst, things with him have been going rather well. He naps for 2 and a half hours at a time, he wakes to eat and get his diaper changed, and then happily falls back asleep until he decides to wake up again. He’s doing all the baby things perfectly well, and had a good visit at the doctor yesterday. My milk also came in on day 2, so I think that’s helped his belly stay a bit more full and content.
But something feels off, and I don’t know why.
Whether it’s a feeling of uncertainty, never quite feeling settled, or just all of the changes we’re all going through…I don’t know what it is. But I have this constant bad feeling.
It’s like I never feel done, or settled, or I just feel constantly on edge and anxious. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, or if I’m doing a good enough job, or how to best operate now.
This is the first weekend that there’s been since he’s been born. My husband is taking the big kids out because dear god are we all stir crazy, and I’ll be alone in the peace and quiet with the baby.
That’s exactly what I want to be happening, yet still, there is this constant cloud of anxiety over me. And I just don’t know where it’s coming from or how to get rid of it.
I think a lot of it stems from just feeling inadequate. I want to do right by my kids, I want to give all of them what they need. And I guess I’m just doubting that I can do that. To be honest, that has nothing to do with the new baby. I’ve felt like that for years…those feelings of inadequacies.
I don’t know if this is a normal part of the process, or if there’s a little something bigger going on, but I just hope it doesn’t get worse.
The later in the day it gets, the more the anxious feelings and bad thoughts creep in. I know part of it is the fatigue…both the physical and the mental, but it’s rough.
I am enjoying this time, I love spending time with this baby boy and getting to know him, and I wish these moments could last forever sometimes.
I just wish I could shake the anxiety and enjoy it without all of that.
Maybe once we all start sleeping more, that will be easier.
But even sleep can’t solve all the things I’m anxious about.
For now, all I can do is sit in these moments and try to enjoy them for what they are. So, I’ll share this picture of a cute little baby with a smile that isn’t quite real yet, but someday soon will be. And I’ll leave the anxiety for later.