It starts with one

It starts with one drink.

One, simple, weak, controlled drink. A seltzer, not even a real drink.

I was grieving, I was sad. I deserve this.

Then, it was two. Because one drink never stays one drink.

Two seltzers. They don’t count. It’s not even a mixed drink. It’s not a cocktail. It doesn’t count.

But it’s a slippery slope we head down.

I made it 10 days. 10 days postpartum. And here we are.

Here we fucking are.

All is not lost yet, I know I can get back on track. I know I can get this right again.

But do I want to?

Am I strong enough?

Can I get through this battle alone?

Because I sure do fucking feel alone right now.

I feel like I have no one in my corner, no one has my back. This is so hard to get through on my own.

I don’t feel strong. I feel like a failure. Broken, fucked up, and alone.

It starts with one, but that’s never where it ends.

Grief is an excuse. A good one, a valid one, a real one…but an excuse nonetheless.

I didn’t need to drink.

But in my head, I did.

I made it 39 weeks with him on the inside, and 10 days with him on the outside.

It doesn’t take much to fall back into old patterns.

Scary, old patterns.

Patterns that start with just one drink.

But quickly move to two.

And then 10.

3 thoughts on “It starts with one”

  1. I’m so sorry the demons were so strong. You can certainly do it again. You aren’t alone, you aren’t a failure. You’re human with an addiction illness. We all mess up, we all make mistakes, hey I’m still obese even with all my exercises…….
    I’m in your corner. I may not be able to be really there. But on here I am. 💪🏼 You can do it. Every day counts. And to be honest, every drink counts as well. It’s either a good drink or a bad one. No in between, sorry… 😔
    You got this gall! 🍀 I’m rooting for you.

    1. Thank you. And yes, please feel free to call me on my bullshit anytime. I know it “counts” as drinking, but in my head, I always try to justify it as lesser than it is. Which is definitely a problem.
      Thanks for being there, it sucks feeling alone in it and trapped with that feeling.

      1. You’re very welcome! I doubted if I should mention the “not a real drink” bit but I hoped my honesty would help you more than me supporting that idea.
        You’re very welcome, I may be several timezones away but I try to be there for you in any way I can! I know how hard it is to fight alone and I would never want anyone to feel that lonely and scared as I did when I went through my darkest year…
        So here I am! You may rant, you may cry, you may be angry… I’ll be here! And I’ll call you out, as you called it. I try to keep it honest and as kind as I can 🤗 ♥

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