It was another good night in therapy last night. It was productive, helpful, and maybe with just the slightest bit of emotion.
The 2 hours I spend in therapy each week is easily the most important and meaningful part of my week. Especially now, with a new baby and less time to myself than ever before…these nights really do mean a lot.
We talked about sleep and the obvious lack there of, and how I need to freaking get some. She suggested that I should probably go to bed early last night, which I actually did do instead of fight. And I’m glad I did because last night was our worst night yet the baby was up from like 3 to almost 6 and it just…it hurts.
We also talked about my kids and how they sometimes act in ways that are very triggering for me. We spent a while on that, and then a little bit on alcohol. I still feel like a huge failure when it comes to that because I haven’t been able to put together even one full day since I started again.
Apparently it’s something I need to be more mindful about, so I guess that’s something I can work on.
Honestly, there was still one topic that was really bothering me that I was too nervous to bring up, and I hate leaving feeling like that. But I’m glad that of the 2 topics I had in my mind, we got through one of them.
I don’t have therapy next week which actually really sucks. I hate that the schedule gets all weird and messed up this time of year. It will make the whole next few weeks feel just a little bit lonelier and scarier.
I’m not feeling good this morning. After a night like last night where, once again I was up for hours in the middle of the night, everything just feels hard. Physically and mentally, running on this little sleep is destroying me. My husband got the older boys up and going this morning, so I did manage to get an extra hour of sleep before he left for work, so that was great. I’d probably be melting into a puddle of exhaustion and desperation without the little bit of extra sleep I did get.
I’m starting to feel very hopeless and like things are always going to be like this. I know they won’t, I know this particular sleeplessness is temporary and a result of having a baby… but it’s still extremely hard and draining in the meantime.
I didn’t really drink when I came home from therapy last night, so that was good. Honestly, I was so exhausted I really didn’t even want to.
I’m glad therapy went well because today would suck a lot worse if it didn’t. Today will be hard, but I’ll get through it.
I’m just starting to question how much longer I’ll be able to really keep pushing through it at this pace. And that’s a scary place to be.