Another shocking revelation, courtesy of therapy, is that I’m not responsible for your feelings.
And, no, you aren’t responsible for mine either.
This is a concept that honestly, I don’t fucking understand. Hear me out.
If you kill my dog, I will be very sad and very hurt. You did this. You killed my dog. My feelings are 100% because of your actions! Therefore: you are responsible for my feelings.
Apparently not though.
Apparently, I am still responsible for my feelings. Yes, you killed my dog, and you are responsible for your actions. But I am still responsible for my feelings about it.
Shocking, I know. I really don’t get it. And yes. This is the exact example I brought up in therapy to try to get clarification.
I have a …habit? Of blaming other people for how I feel when they do something that is hurtful. If 1+1=2…I mean…but, no. That’s not how it works.
I still struggle with this concept a lot, and honestly, it’s a lot easier to blame other people for how I feel.
But they are not responsible for my feelings. Only I am.
And I am not responsible for your feelings…even though, again, in my head, I am, or at least, I feel like I should be.
I have more of an understanding of this than I did, but it’s going to take a lot of practice to really get it. In my head, your actions effect other people, and you are responsible for both your actions and the result it has on others. I don’t know why this is so deeply embedded in my head, but it is.
I think it might be really freeing to no longer have that mentality, because it does leave me feeling trapped and guilty over things that are so often out of my control…but perhaps it also gives me a greater responsibility to myself, which is just…terrifying.
This is something I’m still trying to wrap my head around. It makes sense logically, but when I try to apply it emotionally, it starts making a whole lot less sense.
I do understand that I can’t assign blame to others for how I feel. But then that whole, “if you kill my dog” thing…ahhh. I don’t know.
Is this complicated for anyone else?
I get it, I do. But I also very easily assign responsibility to others for how I feel. And on the same hand, I also easily accept responsibility for how others feel.
I’d love to not have the burden of responsibility for others, so I see the benefit of grasping this.
I think it’s just something that might take a while to fully incorporate into my thinking.
For now, at least I’m thinking about it and trying.
Progress, not perfection.