Not off to a great start.

Well. If there’s one thing to say about these past few days, it’s simply just holy shit. Nothing has gone well, nothing has been happy.

Yesterday, my mom got the call that her brother died. They found him dead in his apartment after he didn’t show up to work all week. So, she’s pretty upset. He was only 59.

Then, my brother was supposed to fly in for Christmas yesterday, but his flight got cancelled due to all the winter storms. I managed to convince him to rebook for a seat that cost a whole lot of of money because it was a first class seat…but that got cancelled too.
So he’s rebooked again for this morning, maybe…but who knows if that will get here. It’s just been one thing after another and the whole thing has left me feeling upset and not very festive. My brother and I are really close and he’s the part of Christmas that I look forward to the most.

On top of THAT…my kids have been freaking assholes. I hate being like that, but I really just need to be honest here.

My oldest gets really overstimulated this time of year. And his behavior changes drastically. The same thing happened last year, but it takes everything out of me. He just gets so hard to manage. And I hate being upset with him, and I know it’s not his fault…but it’s really hard for me to deal with. And I can’t just explode on him so I just have to sit there and take it. And then I just shut down.

I want to drink these feelings away. I seriously just want to give up and give in. There’s so much going on and I honestly just feel really unsupported. I guess there’s not much anyone can do to help, but still. At least my husband is home today to help me. And I really, really hope my brother gets in.

This is probably the worst I’ve ever felt going into a Christmas. I’m never particularly happy or joyful, but I do manage to have some feelings of excitement or happiness. Being a mom on Christmas is such a mixed bag. I love creating memories and making magic for my kids, but it’s overwhelming and feels impossible and I never feel good enough.

I know when we wake up in the morning there will be magic and joy and smiles and it will all (hopefully) be worth it. But it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to see past the negative feelings that I have.

My brothers flight just got delayed. Again. At this point, he isn’t scheduled to get here until 9pm. If it even happens. I’m just feeling so upset and defeated. If my brother doesn’t get here, I will be devastated. And I know he will be too. I feel so awful for him.

Anyway, this post is full of negatives and bad feelings. So I’ll leave you with a picture that makes me smile. And I’ll try to remember the positive feelings.