Can’t do it all alone

It was one of those nights, followed by one of those mornings. And I am not here for it.

Anxiety has been kicking my ass, I’m feeling overwhelmed and behind in everything, and I honestly feel like falling apart. So the pours in my glass were a little extra strong last night because the mind numbing needed a little more power behind it.

The baby had one of those nights where he just didn’t freaking sleep at all and was up for hours at a time. Okay. Coming off of a night where he slept for nearly an 8 hour stretch. Frustrating is an understatement.

Then this morning got off to an absolutely awful start with my oldest son and now, frankly, I really just don’t want to spend the day with him. That may sound harsh, but as a stay at home mom to 3 boys when I have to be on 24/7 with literally no break? I think I’m allowed to wish for some time to myself.

I’m not feeling very festive or Christmasy right now. My entire house has gotten cluttered and messy with boxes and gifts that need wrapping, and it’s making me feel suffocated.

On top of all of that, I freaking have hives all over me. They’re miserable and driving me insane and they’re just not going away.

I need help. There is just too much that needs to get done and only me to do it. Except I can’t do anything, because I’m holding a baby 24/7. So it just piles up. And I get more stressed and anxious and the cycle continues.

If I were a different version of myself, I’d be drinking already. Not even 8am yet and all I want to do is drink. I can’t, or don’t want to, deal with today. I don’t want to deal with anyone or anything. All I want to do is bury my head in the sand and disappear. I want it all to stop.

Frankly, I need to get away from these tiny people that are driving me insane.

I wish I felt happier right now. I deserve to feel happier. But everything around me is pure chaos. And it’s really hard to feel anything other than stressed and negative right now.

I need more help and more support. I’m being crushed by everyone and everything. And I just want to drink these feelings away.

If all I can do today is survive, that will be good enough for me.

4 thoughts on “Can’t do it all alone”

  1. Sometimes all we can do is survive. You are doing the best you can, of that I am sure. Having a baby is arguably the hardest job in the world. Sending you strength and hugs.

  2. First off, hugs, because I can feel how overwhelmed you are. Parenting is tough, and parenting when you have a disability, during the holidays, while trying to cut down on drinking, with kids who have special needs….No wonder you are overwhelmed!

    Something to think about: You say you need help. So maybe ask yourself: what would “help” look like? If you are stuck, ask yourself what help would look like in a perfect world, with infinite resources. Then use that to define what help would look like in the real world.

    Eventually you will realize that you deserve to be supported. So you will seek out support instead of reaching for a drink. But that will all happen in your own time.

    In the meantime, start to explore what needs are unmet and how they could possibly be met.

    Love you! This, too, shall pass.

    1. That’s a good point. I think help would look like someone coming in me doing all the house work for me, having actual time for myself, and a full nights sleep. Some of that seems like it should be doable.
      I didn’t drink today even though it’s all I thought about all day. I guess that’s a win. Tonight will be a much different story, but not drinking during the day is still a win.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: