When self care is a distant memory

Sometimes I don’t have the words to name how I feel. This weekend was brutal. The past 3 weeks really have been insane and nonstop and stressful.

I was hoping that yesterday would bring some relief and calmness…but it did not. My husband took my 2 older sons out for a little while and I was so hoping that the baby would take a good long nap while they were out…but he did not. So I spent the majority of my “alone” time trying to get the baby to take a nap. Then, of course, when they got home, everything was complete chaos.

I feel bad because yesterday when they came home, I was already overwhelmed. I was frustrated, the kids were overtired and probably not feeling great so they started acting up and kind of being shitheads. So I ended up yelling at them and not going into my 6 year olds room to say good night to him at bedtime. I let my husband deal with it and I walked away. I do feel badly about it, but I guess it could have been worse.

And of course, the baby didn’t go to sleep until 1am this morning so now I am absolutely completely exhausted on top of it all. I think his poor wheezy lungs kept him awake because he isn’t feeling great. Ugh.

I’m starting to break down mentally. Things have been too much for too long. The kids have been sick constantly since Thanksgiving, I haven’t had a second to myself in literally probably a month, and it’s just truly been one thing after another.

When my mental health starts declining because of a lack of self care or time to myself, I start drinking more at night as a result of it. It’s like, I make up for it that way. And then I hate myself and end up feeling worse. It’s a messed up cycle where we all lose.

I just feel so behind in life right now. And I hate it.

My 6 year old son has a really big cardiology appointment this morning that I’ve been anxiously anticipating. 6 months ago we learned he had an enlarged left ventricle and is in the early stages of heart failure. His symptoms have gotten worse over the past few months, so I’m really worried about what the echo today will show. Just another thing I’m feeling overwhelmed about.

The light at the end of the long and fucked up tunnel is that I FINALLY have therapy tonight. It’s been 3 weeks because of all the holidays and the way the schedule worked, and holy shit has a lot gone on in these past 3 weeks. I’m sure I’ll be awkward and anxious and talk about nothing when I really want to talk about everything, but it’s so hard for me to transition back in after a few weeks off.

I don’t really know how to get myself back on track right now. Honestly, what I need the most is just time to myself. I need a full nights sleep, and I need a day without the anxiety of someone needing me every other second. Right now, I feel like I’m the very definition of a burnt out mom and human. I can’t keep going at this pace. I really feel like if something doesn’t change…..

It’s just a lot. Everything is a lot and I’m struggling to hang on. I need a day to collect myself, to regroup and to take care of my own needs.

No one should sacrifice their own needs to take care of others. But so often, that’s what motherhood boils down to. It shouldn’t be a choice. It shouldn’t be one or the other. We should still be able to meet our own needs. No one can be expected to function at this level.

I’m already at the first of 3 appointment with my son today. It’s 8am and I haven’t eaten. Who knows when I’ll get to today. But I do know we won’t be home for hours.

Just another “normal” day in my very messed up life.

2 thoughts on “When self care is a distant memory”

  1. Hugs! One thing I joined while working the steps, is that I have a history of not setting boundaries. I think this is very common for women. I used to refer to alcohol and junk food as “portable ‘me’ time.” It took some time (and trial and error) to come up with better ways of meeting my needs.

    1. Yes that sounds very true to me too. I definitely need to find better ways to meet those needs, otherwise alcohol is what I turn to.

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