A rough night that may lead to progress.

Last night was rough for a few reasons, but honestly, maybe it’s for the best.

I have therapy tonight, and sometimes, having therapy right after a bad night leads to a really productive session. If there’s nothing else that comes from a bad night, I guess some forward progress because of it isn’t a bad thing.

It was one of those nights where the baby didn’t fall asleep until hours after his bedtime and my husband and I took turns trying to help him fall asleep. He just would rather look around and smile than sleep. Dang happy baby.

I kept my drinking reasonable until he finally fell asleep, but once he did, it was like all bets were off. And I certainly did not meet my goal of not increasing my drinking this week. More days than not, I drank more than what my baseline has been.

Last week in therapy we talked about having a conversation with my husband about drinking, and how my goal for right now is not to drink more than I currently am. I did sort of have that conversation with him last night, but probably not in the way my therapist would approve of. Even though I did manage to finally bring it up, it was brief and not very detailed.

Like… hey, by the way, the goal right now is just not to drink more.

Him- okay, so don’t drink more.

Me – Okay.

So…yeah. I mean, I did say something, but I guess it wasn’t so much of a conversation to where he helps hold me accountable. But I didn’t want to go into therapy tonight without at least trying. I know it needs work, and I know I need to actually have a conversation with him…but at least it was a start.

I have 2 very opposite sides to me. The version that is currently drinking, unable to stop, and knows that alcohol is a problem…and the version that wakes up in the morning, functioning, and feels like if nothing bad happened, than it can’t be a problem, and I have it under control.

It’s usually the day after a bad night, a night where I’ve had way too much to drink, that the daytime version of me acknowledges the problem too.

So, going into therapy tonight, on a day where daytime version of me is on board with thinking it’s a problem…that’s usually where progress happens. If I can go into therapy and not be in denial of a problem…that would be a really good thing.

Either way, I plan on going into therapy sober tonight and ready to talk about hard things. Hopefully. Hopefully I don’t lose my voice and my courage, and hopefully denial doesn’t show up to the party.

I can’t keep going like this, I don’t want to. I need to start doing better.