I’ve been denying it for weeks. It’s not that bad, it’s a coincidence, there’s no way I’m there yet.
But tonight, it was undeniable.
A sudden, massive headache, a different kind of anxiousness, and shaky hands.
All from being 40 minutes late on my first drink.
It took a little longer to put the baby to sleep tonight. No big deal, that happens sometimes. But then 7:30 turned to 8…and by 8:10, I couldn’t take it.
I had to stop what I was doing, and make a drink. The intensity got…well, it got intense. Very quickly.
And now I’ve overcompensated. The first drink was stronger than it should’ve been. And so was the second. And so on.
Withdrawals. My biggest sign that things are not okay.
That alcohol is in control, and I’m a victim of it’s cruelty.
I trick myself into believing that I’m in charge. That I can control it. That this is not bigger than me.
But, then the withdrawals hit. And it’s like a slap in the face.
You are not in control. You are not in charge. This is bigger than me.
I’ve been on a slippery slope for months now. And while, yes, this week has been stable…(as in, not progressively worse, like it has been), this is my most telling sign that I am in over my head.
I can’t even be 30 minutes late to drinking or my body starts physically freaking out.
It’s shameful. It feels like another dirt little secret, another thing I need to lie about or downplay or diminish.
When my drinking was at its worst, I was hitting withdrawals every 3 hours. When my drinking was at its worst, I was miserable and I hated myself. And I don’t want that person to exist ever again.
Except for the fact that I’m terrified of that person reappearing.
Yes. I’m officially hitting withdrawals again.
And if I’m being completely honest? They don’t just come at night.
Those all too familiar headaches show up when I don’t drink enough during the day as well.
Yes, it makes me hate myself. Yes, I’m ashamed. And yes, I’ll probably keep lying about it and saying that that’s not what’s happening.
Addiction is lonely. Addiction is shameful.
And it really just makes me hate myself.