Ignoring my feelings

Life has been an absolute whirlwind these past few weeks. My son starting school, my marriage being momentarily tumultuous, therapy being big and important and something I’m thinking about…just, like, having 3 kids in general…

Yeah. I have more than enough on my plate to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

However, something happened 13 days ago that I haven’t been able to shake.

March began.

Yes, it’s March now. And is that a big deal?

For you? No, probably not.

But for me? Shit. Literally, the moment it turned March 1st… the feelings that I work to bury all year long jump up and try to smother me.

My birth sons birthday is April 4th. He’ll be 9 this year (😭). But every year, March starts the “birthday season” emotions…and let me tell you, it’s really rough.

I’ve been burying it this year. Not allowing myself to feel it, distracting myself with other feelings…but, no. We’re here. His birthday is coming up in just a couple of weeks.

It hurts.

Historically, this is my most vulnerable time of the year.

A horrifically painful reminder that I am living a life without my child in it.

An enormous part of my heart and soul is living a life without me in it. And it’s…..

Honestly? It’s fucking impossible.

I am parenting 3 beautiful boys.

But I should be parenting 4.

The boy who made me a mom…the boy who convinced me that I need to stay alive to meet him….well, he’s still here. He’s not in my life, I don’t know him, but I’ve been told that he wants to know me.

In December of this year, his parents told time that he wants to know me. That he’s interested in meeting me.

Now, every day that goes on, every holiday, every birthday, every gift that I send…..I know he’s closer and closer to expressing a need to meet me. And I’m not even going to get into how terrifying that is for me. The wounds it would open….

The love I have for this boy is unlike anything else in the world. I look at my 4 month old baby, my 4 year old, and my 6 year old. And I think I know what love is.

But, do I?

Yes, I love them. I love them deeply.

But do I love them in the same way as I love my birth son, is there even a comparison?

It’s so hard to put into words.

Because they are all my children.

And of course I love all of my children equally.

But it is a different feeling, a different kind of emotion, when I think about the boy I had to say goodbye to nearly 9 years ago.

I miss him so much. I said goodbye to him when he was just 5 days old.

And the amount of pain I feel when I think about this little boy……it’s….it’s indescribable.

He is everything to me.

And yet, very likely, I am nothing to him.

So, yeah. Birthday season is here. My son is living his life without me, and it hurts.

It’s time to send the text. The what can I get my own child for his birthday? text.

We’re nearly halfway through March now, and I’m really starting to feel it.

March is hard because it leads up to his birthday.

April is hard because it’s his birthday.

May is hard because of Mother’s Day, and the retreat I go to for birth moms is in May. So it’s a heavy and adoption themed month where I’m forced to confront my feelings.

This time of year is hard for me. It’s the time when I seem to struggle the most.

I haven’t brought it up in therapy, I haven’t talked to my husband about it, I haven’t written about it…I’ve really just kind of tried to put it out if my head.

But I can’t do that anymore. I have to deal with it because I’m running out of time. I have to get his gifts, reach out to his parents, and face the emotions.

Ugh.

Yeah. I hate this time of year.