I had therapy this morning, and even though I had a really rough week, it definitely went well.
It’s a good thing my husband and I got in a fight that completely dysregulated me and freaked me out over the weekend. (Kidding, but also sort of not.)
Anyway, it started off the same way it usually does. We talked about my son, how my the session with his new therapist went on Monday, and a bit about how he’s doing and the work she’ll be doing with him (and me as it relates to him).
Then I brought up what happened over the weekend with my husband, and how I just can not handle when things are shaky between us.
So that turned into us going back down the road of attachment. Basically, because of my childhood and the trauma I’ve experienced, I do NOT have secure attachments within my relationships, nor do I even really know what that looks like.
But, basically, how I react in times of tension in my marriage and other relationships is not necessarily a reflection of that relationship, but of how I view all relationships to be unstable and anxious, because of my past experiences.
We’re laying the groundwork and doing a lot of work in therapy right now. Attachment work, DBT to deal with the drinking, and eventually, eventually, we’ll try EMDR (again).
For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, things feel like they’re starting to click and fall into place. It feels like the work we’re doing in therapy is important and impactful.
It feels good know that I don’t have to feel like this forever. And that things really can heal. I’m starting to be able to see it.
Honestly, I don’t really know how to debrief how today went. Because it was a lot. But it was a lot in a good way. And I feel a lot better now than I did before I went. I actually feel hopeful…like things really, really might be okay. And that I don’t have to feel those kind of out of control, anxious feelings.
I did not meet my drinking goal for this week. Not even close. But we made a new goal for this week, and I can try again. Really, it’s the same goal, but now I feel a lot better about it. Things are starting to make sense. I don’t feel so alone in the fight right now.
My goal for this week is to practice mindfulness, and she gave me a sheet with a few different options to try. Because apparently, that’s a skill that I need to have when we start doing more of the attachment work.
I have a lot to do and a lot to think about. But it feels right.
I had a really bad week, and I turned to alcohol to deal with it. I felt insecure and anxious and everything terrible. But it makes sense now, and I’m starting to better understand how to handle those types of situations, and eventually, they won’t rattle me so much.
I feel very okay right now.
And I’m extremely okay with okay.