Depression is kicking my ass

I have been struggling a lot these past few days.

Laundry? That’s a hard nope.

Drinking more alcohol, having darker thoughts, thinking about dying and self harm, even when I’m sober…

Everything is hard. I don’t want to do anything. Like, at all. Letting the kids watch tv so they are quiet and not screaming at each other? Fine.

Eating? No thank you. Unless it’s chocolate, and then absolutely.

I don’t feel like writing or talking or feeling.

I’m isolating and pulling back from people, I don’t want to see anyone or do anything.

And all I want to do is sleep.

I literally didn’t know why I was feeling this way, until I texted my husband. And he reminded me (distracted, while at work) that, yeah, how I’m feeling kind of makes sense.

This time of year sucks for me. My birth sons birthday is coming up, and I’m really feeling it. I’m not talking about it, but it’s an extremely present force that’s just sucking the life out of me.

I thought that by ignoring it or not talking about it, or thinking about it, that I wouldn’t feel it either. But even though I’m ignoring it, I’m still feeling it.

I need extra support this time of year. I don’t know what that means, or what that looks like, but I know that I need it.

I hate his birthday. Yes, I love that he is here and that we have a day to celebrate him. But it’s an anniversary of the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. There isn’t a way to describe the pain.

No one should have to lose their child, through any circumstances.

I don’t have many words right now.

Depression is kicking my ass.

Fuck the laundry. Fuck the house needing to be organized. And fuck self care. Who cares about any of it right now.

All I want to do is lay in bed while the world goes on around me.


This month might be harder than I thought. Guess I’m not going to get through it so easily after all.

Is it time to give up yet?

6 thoughts on “Depression is kicking my ass”

  1. No, never give up… you know the saying 😉
    May I ask about your 1st son? Does he have the same genetic condition as your other 3? What made you surrender him after 5 days?
    I’m not judging at all, and you don’t have to answer any of these questions, and I’m sorry if you’ve talked about this before or don’t want to talk about it at all. I understand. ❤️

    1. Questions will never bother/offend me.
      I made an adoption plan for him very shortly after I knew I was pregnant with him. It was made very clear to me that parenting wasn’t an option. I was only 18 at the time, my boyfriend did NOT want to parent…and I had already gotten pregnant at 16/17, where my parents forced my into an abortion. And I did NOT want that to happen again.
      So I kept the pregnancy to myself, didn’t tell anyone, and made my own choices.

      My birth son very likely does have the same genetic condition as my self and my 3 other boys. I’ve been extremely open and honest with his adoptive parents, and have been forthcoming and honest with all of the information I have. They haven’t gotten him tested, as of now, because it’s such a “rare” disease….”their doctors have told them it’s very unlikely to affect him.”
      (Okay, we’re 4/4 over here, but sure.)
      It’s hard, and it’s all complicated. But asking questions makes me feel cared about/heard, and I’ll always be open to talking about it. Because he is a part of me, and a part of my life.

      1. Thank you for answering my questions.
        How brave of you.
        It is scary for parents to find out if your child has something “wrong” with them, so I understand why they wouldn’t want him tested until symptoms arise.
        You are amazing. Truly! I think it is incredible that you were willing to carry this boy, knowing you wouldn’t be able to raise him.
        I also think it is understandable that it is such a difficult time for you when his birthday comes around. Do you think you could categorize it differently so it would not be so debilitating for you each year? I hope your therapist can help you with this ❤️

      2. I wouldn’t even know how to get through it in a different way. It’s just hard. Every year is hard.
        Yeah, I think I probably should start talking about it in therapy

    2. We had an adoption plan going into it, but the last time I saw him was when he was 5 days old. His adoptive parents let me visit with him and spend time with him after we all left the hospital one last time. That happened to be when he was 5 days old. So that was the last time that I got to see him. I’m grateful to them that they allowed me that time, that one last meeting after we all left the hospital.

      1. That was nice of them. I hope your delivery was not too difficult. 5 days seems like a long time to be in the hospital after birth, that’s why I was wondering about that timeframe. I’m sure his parents are grateful for you and all the information you share with them. It is also really sweet that your son wants to get to know you more.
        I haven’t been through anything remotely close to this, so I can’t put myself in your shoes, but I hope you can find peace. Something tells me you have regret, and that’s really hard to live with. 🫂

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