Barely hanging on

Suddenly, the world feels a million pounds heavier.

Everything is building up, nothing can get done.

Things are getting harder and harder and harder.

Thoughts are becoming darker and darker and darker.

Things are going on that I don’t know how to get into.

Like, despite the fact that I asked, I reached out, I sent the text…I did not get an answer.

Yes. I sent the “what can I get my own child for his birthday” text.

My birth son turns 9 years old in 17 days.

And I sent the text. I asked the question. Usually, I get a response. “Oh, he’s super into this right now.” “Oh, this would be lovely.” Or, “oh, he could really use this.

This year, 2 days ago, I got an “oh, let me ask him”.

I’m sorry….what??

“Ask” him? I’m sorry, what???!!!! Ask him what exactly? “What would you like from your birth mom this year for your birthday?”

It’s different and weird, and I don’t want different or weird.

I want “he’s super into Pokémon and Star Wars”. I want, “he could really use a new bed set or bathrobe and some books”.

I have 17 days. And so far, I have one thing that got here late for Christmas that I kept for his birthday. I have nothing. I have NOTHING for my child for his birthday.

You probably don’t get it, and that’s fine. I don’t expect you to. Adoption is weird. And it sucks. And it’s fucking hard.

I don’t have the emotional capacity to go into any more logistical details right now.

But what do you do when you need to reach out, and there’s no one there?

What do you do when you want to die, and you don’t know who to turn to that will talk you off the ledge?

What do you do when you feel so fucking alone, that every breath you take feels like you’re inhaling sludge and toxins and it just feels so fucking wrong?


What am I supposed to do?

This feels unsurvivable.

I don’t know how to get through this.

Truthfully, I feel like my people are letting me down right now.

And I would never, ever admit that.

Except for the fact that I’m feeling extremely emotionally fragile, and I feel like I have reached out. At least, I’ve tried to.

The people in my life know by now that this time of year, I need a bit more.

And so far, this year…

I don’t know. I just feel insanely fucking alone.

And it feels disgusting for me to keep talking about my feelings.

I’m barely hanging on.

I do not know how to get through this.

This year feels SO much harder than last year.

I want to give up. I just want to drink so much that I never wake up again.

Because the pain is too much this year.

It’s simply too much.

(((I miss you always. But right now, I miss you so much extra))).

8 thoughts on “Barely hanging on”

  1. I know you think you are running out of time, but you have *plenty* of time! Amazon does even same day deliveries nowadays.
    Send another text… it probably slipped their mind to reply. You could casually ask if they had a chance to ask him? Tell them you want to make sure you have enough time to send the gift. I doubt they’ll feel pressured, and it will relieve your stress 😉

    1. I know you’re right. I know there’s still time. But each day that passes is just…ugh.
      I fucking HATE this month. I hate how it makes me feel. I do not like being out of control of my feelings. And I feel so out of control of them right now.
      At least if I knew I had a bunch of things for him like I do every year, I’d feel better. But I don’t. Because all I have to go off of is what they tell me. And if they don’t tell me anything…🤷🏻‍♀️ nothing I can do.
      They keep telling me more and more how much the things I send and the notes I send mean to him.
      And now KNOWING that I mean “something” to him, it’s even more important to me to show up. But I cannot possible show up if they don’t help me.
      And it hurts.
      All of it hurts. So much.

      1. I’m so sorry. I’m listening and virtually wrapping my arms around you 🫂

        Are you creative? Could you make him something? Something he can cherish. For instance, you could find a pocket size pebble and paint something on it. He could always carry it with him…

      2. Thank you, I appreciate it more than you know. I’m feeling more alone than ever right now, and ANY connection helps a ton. Really.

        That sounds like a really good idea. I am creative. I just worry about overstepping boundaries. I don’t know what I mean to him. And I don’t want to…exist in a way that I shouldn’t? If that makes sense?
        But yeah. That’s probably just my own insecurities speaking.

  2. Maybe it’s slipped their mind? Maybe they asked him and he needs time to think about it? Just send them another casual text, asking what his reply was. Asking them about the gifts, because you want to make sure it will arrive in time. I’m sure they understand. I’m sure they would not want to keep you in the dark on purpose. Reach out. Maybe make a card for him by yourself with a kind letter, so he can have a present and something extra to cherish, to add to his life?
    I know it’s easier for me to say than for you to do. But asking again definitely won’t make you a burden, and it will show his adoptive parents that you care, that you’re interested and loving. I sometimes forget to answer texts as well as my mind is preoccupied with many other things. It happens. 😊
    Just reach out once more. Ask for your sons answer. You may get the reply you need, you may find the present you know will make him happy. You still have some time but don’t wait till the last of it! ♥ You got this!

    1. I will reach out again. Maybe in another few days. It is hard. I do want to make it personal somehow, and it’s hard not knowing exactly how to.
      I just need to find enough strength to text them again 😞

      1. I’m sure you’ve already got that strength because you care so much. It may be fear telling you that you’re lacking while you know things will surely turn up fine if you reach out again. I know you can do this, I know you want to, so don’t let the fear cripple you, you’re so much stinger 💪🏼

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