It’s 6am, and I should still be in bed with my eyes closed.
My daily obligations don’t begin until 6:30, and in a life as exhausting as mine, I shouldn’t skip out on rest.
The baby is asleep, he had his first night ever of sleeping through the night, a full 12 hours without waking up. That’s as good a night as any for a win.
I should be sleeping.
But I can’t.
My birth son lives an hour ahead of me in time. For him, it’s 7:15.
He’s probably getting ready for the day, and heading off to school.
Or is he on spring break?
I don’t know. I don’t get to know all the little details.
Today is his birthday.
9 years ago, I gave birth to a little boy who would forever change my world. But I don’t get to know him.
He is mine to love…but he isn’t mine to hold.
He isn’t mine to know.
He isn’t mine.
This year has been a complicated one. More complicated than ever before. His parents keep telling me he wants me. He’s asking questions.
He wants to meet me.
They’re telling me it will happen “soon”. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what that looks like.
But that day isn’t today.
I’m already feeling some pretty intense things today.
All I want to do is stay in bed and be sad all day. I don’t want to exist or do anything. I don’t want to show up. Honestly, today is a day where I’d really prefer to not be alive. To not exist to feel anything.
But I had therapy last night, and we talked about doing things differently this year. Opposite to emotion…or whatever. Basically, don’t do what I want to do. If it isn’t effective in reaching my goal, don’t do it.
My husband just took all 3 kids to drop my oldest off at school, which is usually my job. So at least I’ll get a few minutes of quiet time this morning before my younger 2 get home.
My goal in therapy this week is to identify how I’m feeling without judging, and write it down.
Right now, I’m feeling sad and empty.
I feel guilty today. Guilty for not being the person I want to be. For all of the circumstances that led up to me making the decision to place him for adoption.
I miss him so much that it literally, physically hurts.
I don’t know what else to say today. It’s a hard day. The hardest day of the year.
Right now. My house is quiet. I’m home alone. Everything is still and slow and silent.
I don’t want to watch tv, I don’t want to talk or move or eat or drink.
Existing in this silence is exactly what I need right now.
I have to text his parents soon. I’ll have to ask them to give my son a hug for me. Something that I cannot do myself.
Maybe they’ll send me a picture. Maybe they’ll tell me how much he loved his box of gifts. Or maybe they’ll tell me that he wants to talk (probably not today, but I still need to be prepared).
Ahh. A car just pulled into my driveway. Not my car. My husband Door Dashed me some Starbucks. And for that, I will get up and move. Coffee will get me through this day.
I don’t have the right words for how I’m feeling. I’m just feeling numb. And a little bit (or a lot) dead inside.
I absolutely hate this day.
I hate missing someone so important.
Happy birthday, I love you. I hope you know that.
(((I miss you always, but today I miss you extra)))