A bad night, but I got through it.

I had a hard day, but I kept it together. My husband came home early from work, he got me Starbucks and Auntie Anne’s (2 of my favorites), and made me feel loved.

I texted my birth sons parents, and they made me feel loved and appreciated. And I got through the day.

Then, the night came. And I felt all the feelings I’d been ignoring all day. And it turned into a rough night.

It was all fine until I was a good few drinks in and the day was getting late, and I realized I wasn’t getting any pictures. They didn’t text me any yesterday, but I assumed they’d at least post something on Facebook.

When that didn’t happen, I got pretty upset. I think it was the first time I didn’t get to see a picture of him in his birthday. I do get pictures all throughout the year, so it’s not like this is the only time I would have…but still.

It hurt an incredible amount. To not be able to see even a picture of my son on his birthday.

I get it. They’re busy, they constantly have things going on, and taking pictures probably isn’t a huge priority. But knowing all of that logically doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less.

I didn’t get to see even just a picture of my son on his birthday. It just feels…bad. It just hurts.

So I went down a spiral of feelings and drank more than I should have and did some other things that I shouldn’t have and sat alone in the bathroom listening to sad songs and doing other things that I probably shouldn’t have while my husband was (I assumed) asleep.

Turns out he wasn’t asleep, and he texted me a little while later telling me to come back. Usually, when nights go that way, he falls asleep and I spend way too long drinking more than I should and thinking some really dark thoughts.

Last night definitely could have been worse. But it still wasn’t great.

My friends supported me through it as best as they could, which I’m grateful for. My husband did his best to make feel loved on a really hard day.

Overall, I think yesterday went about exactly as I would have expected.

I held it together until I couldn’t. But I (sort of) got through it.

Im feeling kind of emotionally hungover today, and to be honest, I’m still feeling really crappy.

But it is what it is.

And I’m doing the best I can.