“No”. Does it mean anything?

Me – “Things have been differently lately. Haven’t you felt the shift?”

Husband – “Yeah, you’ve said ‘no’ more”

“No, I always say ‘no’. That isn’t it.”

“Why do you always so ‘no’?”

“Because for my entire life, it never mattered if I said it. If I said no, it happened anyway. It didn’t matter. So yeah, I still say ‘no’ now. Because it doesn’t matter one way or the other. If I want it or not. No has never meant no. So what does it matter if I say it or not now?”

———-

That was the late night, drunken (on my end) conversation I had with my husband last night.

I’ve been upset with him, unbeknownst to him, about how I’m feeling. I’ve been feeling insecure, untrusting, and just generally uneasy. For really no reason at all, other than a feeling.

To preface, my husband is awesome. He’s never cheated. He’s never been inappropriate. And he’s never given me a reason not to trust him. He’s a good guy and a great husband, and this post really isn’t about him. It’s about me, and how I feel about things.

This is a hard topic to talk about. And to be honest, at the time of writing this part of it, it’s nearly 11pm. And I’ll let that speak for itself. But let’s just say, it’s my most honest time of the day. I’m sure I’ll edit some tomorrow morning, but I’m hoping to keep the honesty.

I haven’t been feeling very “wanted” lately. Which, granted, we have a 6 month old. So everything’s been a little bit weird. But still, I’m used to…a certain….expectation? Of being “wanted”.

So, when for the past few weeks, things have felt off or different for me….it made me feel uneasy. Or insecure. Or whatever word it is that you want to insert there.

Anyway…long and painful and uncomfortable story short…..he said “well, I do want you, but you keep saying ‘no’”.

And I literally laughed, and said “yeah…so? I literally always say ‘no’”.

He asked why.

And I told him. Because no matter what’s happened in my life, no matter how many times, or whoever I’ve said it to…no does not mean “no”. So it doesn’t matter if I say it or not.

Whatever is going to happen will happen. Regardless of how I feel about it. That’s just been my life. And it sucks, and it’s frustrating, but that’s been my reality.

I don’t know why he recently started hearing me when I said it, maybe I’ve been acting differently, maybe he just knows how completely exhausted I am and is giving me space…who knows.

But it was just weird. I want to feel wanted without having to actually do anything…if that makes sense. 😂

I know these are my issues. No has never meant anything for me. No one has ever respected it, or me. So that’s just…I don’t know. Yeah. I say no, and it doesn’t mean anything. Ever. I don’t expect it to anymore.

So I guess when, all of a sudden, I was being listened to, it threw me off. And I didn’t like that I feeling that subtle shift. It made me feel uneasy and insecure.

When you have had much of a significant and complicated sexual assault history like I do, it has a lasting effect. It doesn’t just go away.

I’m still easily triggered. I still assume things are should be a certain type of way, even if that’s not true.

I still believe that my no means nothing.

There’s a lot I need to work on. These issues didn’t develop overnight, and they’re certainly not going to be solved overnight.

But communicating honestly about it is the first step.

If I’m not feeling loved, I need to talk about it instead of just being upset, and allowing it to grow.

No means something. Or, at least it should. And I need to start assuming that I will be listened to…as opposed to assuming that I won’t be.