Checking in with myself

Today was awful. I will go into more detail tomorrow when I post, but, for now, the relevant information was just that it was a really, truly bad day.

I was upset. I was triggered. All of the worst feelings of anxiety and panic and feelings of not having control over ANYTHING in my life took over.

The one and only thing I have control over in my life…well, I lost a sense of control over it. Again, details tomorrow.

I did drink extra this afternoon as a result of those incredibly anxiety provoking feelings.

But do you know what I didn’t do?

I didn’t go overboard. I told myself no more.

Instead of drinking more, as much as I wanted to, as much as I would have in the past…I went outside. I went and hung out with my chickens and ducks and gave them some treats, let them roam around the yard, and BLASTED some music in my ear.

I wanted to lash out. I wanted to punch walls and break shit and just lose control. I was SO FUCKING ANGRY. And to be honest, I still am.

But I didn’t do those things. I drank a little more than my goals say I’m allowed to. But I didn’t go overboard.

Tonight is still tonight, and I’m trying to maintain that. I’ve already had enough, and I want more.

I want to do all of the things that I was suppressing from before.

So, I’m here. And I’m checking in with myself.

Don’t do stupid shit.

Yes, today was bad. But you handled it well.

Don’t fuck it up now.