Healing is not linear

We went to the park again last night for therapy, even though it was threatening thunderstorms all night. I was pretty confident that it wasn’t going to rain, because it literally hasn’t rained on a therapy night it YEARS. So now it’s a thing.

The squirrel left us alone for the most part, and there were definitely less people there the last week, probably because of the threat of rain. Little did they know that it was a therapy night, so of course it wasn’t going to.

We talked about attachment stuff, drinking, my birth son and Mother’s Day coming up, and how it’s just a day that makes me really sad. We talked about how I need to keep opening up and being vulnerable to people, preferably while sober, but at least doing it at all is better than nothing.

I am doing better at talking with her during therapy, and I think I’m doing better at being more open with my best friend, who we always spend a lot of time talking about. I guess when you’re working on secure attachment, you take you’re most stable relationship and work with that.

I’ve been with my therapist for a long time. I think just about 7 and a half or 8 years. There have been a lot of different versions of me throughout that time, and I have hit some REALLY low lows. But it feels good to finally be in this place. Where things are consistently going well, I’m starting to trust her and trust the process.

I have a longgg way to go. Things will never be easy or quick or simple. And it seems like life is only getting harder. But at least I’m on the road now. At least I’m somewhere. I’m not getting in my own way (as much), and I don’t know. It just feels better. Like, yeah. I’m still a hot mess and my life feels like it’s falling apart and I can’t keep anything together or going right.

But my relationships are stable. And as I’ve said a million times, when my relationships are stable, everything in my life feels sooo much more manageable.

It feels like I’m hanging on by a thread right now. And everything feels so up in the air with all of the big changes I’m facing. Buying land (maybe), my husband changing careers, the imminent threat of my birth son at any moment wanting to meet me (as per what his parents have told me), my kids health always being an issue…it’s a lot. It’s all so much.

And I really do feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. Especially when everything just feels so hard.

But I’m grateful for the thread. Because hanging on by a thread is better than not having anything at all.

Like I said, at least I’m on the road.

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