Important conversations, regrettable timing

Last night was…something. It was a night that looked like a lot of nights my husband and I have had in the past. Where alcohol played too much of a role, and I said a lot of things that I’ve been holding in for a while.

It started when I got upset with my husband. He made an honest mistake, and I got VERY upset. But, reasonably so.

I left our bedroom to go talk to my dad about some business things regarding the land we’re trying to buy. I left my husband and dog in our room for a few minutes while I did that. When I’m done talking to my dad, I see my husband standing in the kitchen, and immediately ask him what he’s doing, because now the dog is alone on our bed, and that’s where I left my snack that we were both eating.

So, long story short, my husband left the dog alone in our bed and, of course, my dog ate something he shouldn’t have.

Not a big deal…except now I KNOW he’s going to throw up in the middle of the night.

Again, not a big deal…except for the fact that I am NOT sleeping. At all. Between the baby and my 2 older sons screaming (playing?)’ at 4 or 5am every day, yeah. I’ve written many posts about it. You all know I’m not sleeping.

And the thought that now I’ll have ANOTHER reason to wake up in the middle of the night and not sleep…yeah. I was upset.

But it gets worse.

I’m not sure how we got from point A to point B. I honestly don’t remember. I think I felt that he wasn’t taking my level of upset-ness seriously enough.

And I kind of exploded on him. I blew up. And it turned into the kind of night we haven’t had in probably close to 2 years.

A night where I’ve had a lot to drink, and I’m now telling him aaalllllllll of my feelings.

Basically, I just exploded on him about how I was feeling. About how we talk so much about secure attachments and relationships in therapy. And how my best friend is easy to talk about in regards to secure relationships. And how even my therapist is easy to talk about, when it comes to that. But my husband isn’t there.

He isn’t on the list of people I talk about when I talk about the potential for having “secure relationship”.

I don’t feel secure when I talk to him. I feel nervous or judged, or like he won’t even respond. So I told him about how I was feeling. And how it really sucks that my own husband isn’t even on the list of people who are even close to the people I might potentially someday have a “secure relationship” with. And, I don’t know. It was a hard conversation. I was upset. I wish he heard me. I know he loves me. But so often, he doesn’t HEAR me. And that can be so hard.

I can talk to my friend in the Netherlands every night. Or my best friend. Or my therapist. I can talk to them about my pain and the depths of my emotions, and I know that those certain people will care. Or try to help. Or even just respond. And I just don’t do that with him. And it hurts. I want him to be that person for me. It makes me feel so broken and alone sometimes.

I think a lot of that might be on me. I don’t trust him to carry my emotions, so I don’t go to him. So to put the blame entirely on him is not fair. I know I could work harder to talk to him…sober…about how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I know he would support me. He would do his best to listen and love me and be there.

Was it a conversation that needed to be had? Honestly, yes. It was. We needed to talk about it. But maybe not like that. Maybe not when I was already upset with him about something.

I’m glad we talked, because, honestly…this has apparently been building up in me for a while.

Sometimes things boil over, and it spills into the late hours of the night. I love my husband. And he’s always been there for me. I just sometimes wish that I felt more comfortable bringing my darkness to him, when usually, he’s the person I hide it from.

I’m worried he won’t love me if I show him my broken. And that’s my own fault.

But, we talked. And now he knows how I’m feeling. So maybe we can go somewhere from here, and work towards our relationship being secure.

That’s what my therapist had in mind when she told me to talk to my husband…right?

(Side note, yes, my dog did throw up at 4am but my husband jumped up to deal with it so I didn’t have to.)

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