If I tell you I’m okay, I’m lying.

“I’ll be fine, I always am.”

That’s the single most me quote that there is.

I’ll be fine, I always am. ……

I say it when I’ve perhaps gotten a little too real, a little too vulnerable, and I want to walk it back.

I say it when I need sarcasm to lighten up a perhaps too heavy mood.

I’ll say it when maybe I’ve said too much, and now I regret it. Got a little too honest, a little too personal. A little too scary.

I’ll be fine, I always am.

Say it with a smile, and no one questions you further.

Ever.

I’ll be fine, I always am.

Except that, when I say it, I nearly never am.

The more I insist, the more I try to convince you, convince me….the further from the truth it really is.

Just tonight. I’ve done my absolute bullshit act of “I’ll be fine, I always am.” I’m not dead yet, so that means I’m fine. Right?…..right?

Okay. Tell that to the extra drink. The multiple forms of self harm. The darkest, most scary fucked upset thoughts that you have.

The isolation and the self hatred and the absolute fucking disgust that comes when I think of me.

I’m so tired and all I want is sleep. But I can’t.

The thoughts are racing. My mind doesn’t stop. The internal voices won’t be silent.

Why can’t anyone hear the real me?

If my mouth is telling you “I’ll be fine, I always am”…..

Please, please. Hear the real me. Hear the truth.

I’m not okay right now. I’m struggling. And I need someone to see that. I need someone to help me break down these walls.

Because I can’t do it all on my own.