Do you ever just….?

Do you ever just want to give up? Want to give in?

Want to conform, want to adhere?

Want to live up to societal standards of “the norm”? But just… can’t?

Are you ever just so fucking sick of hiding yourself that you just………can’t anymore? Except for that face that you still have to?

That’s where I feel I am right now.

Well, I should be fine. I should adhere to societal norms and standards. I shouldn’t feel the depths of the darkness that I do.

Except for the fact that…I do.

Regressing to lows I’ve fought soooooooo hard to overcome….convincing myself that alcohol hidden in my closet is not only acceptable, but now necessary….

Perhaps the biggest evil I’ve fought to overcome, now once again lurks in the shadows of becoming a possibility once again.

I feel so fucking dark.

Self harm has become a normal and welcomed part of my late night. Lonely, and wanting to die is routine. Drinking too much has become an equally expected part of the night.

Admitting to defeat.

Admitting that the struggle is bigger than I am. That living, that fighting, has become too hard.

Too lonely.

Yeah. I’m feeling it. I’ve been feeling it.

Feeling like I desperately need to give up. Give in. Run from this madness I call life and just…accept that I’m too weak to thrive here.

I feel dark. I feel lonely.

And I don’t know where to turn, or who to turn to when things start looking like this.

I don’t want to give up.

So it really sucks when your desire suddenly becomes just that.

When the urges hit that hard.

When you’re completely convinced that you’re alone. That no one cares.

It’s so hard to fight, when you just don’t know what you’re fighting for anymore.

7 thoughts on “Do you ever just….?”

  1. From reading your blog , *I* know that you’re not alone. I know people care… I’m one of them.
    Your kids need you for a long time to come. You can’t give up now.

    1. Thank you 🩵I know…it’s just so exhausting. I feel like everything positive and beneficial that would help me succeed in life is *just* out of reach. And that’s incredibly frustrating.

  2. The thing is that you’ve been here time and time again and know it will only lead to destruction of what you’ve achieved so far. Try and chunk it out and ride this storm. You’re in this for life. Today is a new day. It’s all part of trauma. Like a sea – sometimes stormy, sometimes calm. I believe in you.

    1. Yeah, that’s very true. I definitely don’t want to go backwards. It will absolutely only lead to destruction. And I don’t want that. I want to keep moving forward.
      You’re right, I just need to ride out the storm. 🩵🩵

    1. Crawling towards that finish line like a turtle with 3 legs 🙃 gotta keep going somehow, even if it’s painful to watch at times 😂

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