Love Languages and “Quality time”

Love languages. How you feel love. If you’ve read the book or the articles, you know what I’m talking about. There are 5 different love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

My love language has definitely changed over the years, and even depending on who I’m with. With my husband, right now, it’s definitely quality time. With acts of service probably being a close second.

With a lot of other people, it’s probably a combination of words of affirmation and quality time.

The love language that people speak or offer to others isn’t necessarily the way that the other person hears it best. So, for example, if my way of showing love is giving gifts, I should be aware of if that is the other persons love language or not. Maybe, acts of service is their love language, and they’d much prefer me to come over and do their dishes or help them clean up than receive a gift.

In saying all of that, I think I’m actually realizing that I’m not entirely sure what my husbands love language is right now. I’m like…mostly completely positive that it’s physical touch. But I’m not sure if that’s changed at all since we last checked in on that.

If you know anything about me…you probably already know that that’s going to be the least likely way that I show love. I am just…yeah. That’s hard for me. So I guess I can see how his cup might not be getting filled either.

When I thought about writing this post, it was coming from a place of frustration.

Lately, my cup is not being filled. My husband and I might be in the same room together, watching the same thing or whatever, but it does not feel like quality time.

I can multitask. I can be on my phone and texting a friend or whatever, and also be fully present and engaged with what’s going on. My husband just…really can’t. He’s a 100% focus on one thing at one time kind of person. So, if we’re watching something together, and he’s on his phone…well, then 100% of his attention is now on his phone. And it’s frustrating.

Extremely frustrating. Because I just want to be with him. I want the quality time. Not just…being next to each other.

It makes me feel really alone when we’re “together”….but not together. He knows this, I remind him of it often enough. Last night was another instance after a really bad week of it where he was on his phone looking at workout equipment. And I got upset.

Like, ok. Why is it taking you hours to do this, why does it have to be now, why has his been going on all week. So I angrily poured another drink, yelled at him, and then blamed him for me making that extra drink that I shouldn’t have had.

Because that’s healthy.

Ugh.

I know it’s quite literally not his fault or responsibility that I, once again, drank too much last night. And by too much, I mean more than the “goals” we set in therapy that I more or less do stick too.

But this has been going on for nearly a week. And I ran out of grace and patience.

We have only a few hours a day together. And I actually want to spend them with him. Not just next to him. Especially when things feel a little less…stable, when they do at their best.

I realize that I’m not speaking his love language either. And he probably would appreciate more physical touch. But that’s…hard for me.

I just asked him, and he told me it was probably acts of service, physical touch and quality time.

So, yeah. I can try to do better too. And I’ll try to focus on that for the next few days.

But I need my cup to be filled too. It’s hard when you’re not being loved in the way that you hear or feel love.

It’s something I thinks we all need to think about a little more.

Are we loving those in our lives the way that they need to be loved?