Well. This Monday morning got off to an absolutely unnecessary start.
We woke up (were woken up) by my older 2 kids screaming in their rooms at like 5:45. Fine. Whatever. I’ll just start my day and drink coffee with my husband like we do every morning. But then my husband ignores me for 10 minutes by looking at his phone. So eventually, I make a snarky comment like “oh, I guess you didn’t want to do anything this morning?”
He claimed to “not know I was awake yet”. Ok. I literally got up and went to the bathroom. But ok.
So then I continued to be mad at and upset with him. I wanted him to immediately comfort me and make me feel better, but he continued living on in his own little world. Yeah, we drank coffee and watched a show for a few minutes, but it didn’t feel good, and it felt wrong. And it started my entire morning off badly.
I don’t have therapy tonight because she’s not there this week. So, I’m in a bad mood about that. There’s so much on my mind and in my heart and I honestly feel about ready to explode.
We still haven’t heard anything about the land. We’re going to call first thing in the morning. But I’m already preemptively in a bad mood about that. Like…a really bad mood. I know it’s not going to be good news. If they were going to accept our offer, they would have contacted us by now.
So, fuck them. And fuck that. (Again, I truly hope I’m wrong. I just don’t anticipate it being good news.)
I’ve been in a weird mood ever since yesterday afternoon. My husband took all 3 kids over to his moms house yesterday for a few hours after the baby took his nap. So I got a solid few hours of quiet time. Which was amazing.
But it’s like…as soon as he got home…that was it. My anxiety spiked, everything was loud and chaos and not fun.
I also had a zoom call last night with my Funding Love group, the people I’m going to Disney with in September. I hate zoom calls, and was so on edge for the few hours leading up to it. I started drinking earlier than I should have to deal with that anxiety, and…I don’t know.
So it’s just been hard.
I’m feeling so angry with my husband for probably no good reason. The reasons in my head seem really good.
He’s not communicating. He’s not being honest. Any time I want information from him I have to pull 25 teeth out first. I don’t think he loves me. He must be cheating on me. I should just leave him. He wouldn’t care anyway.
So….yeah. I don’t have a reason for being upset with my husband. Maybe I’m just upset in general and it’s really easily to blame him and take it out on him. Or maybe I have a valid reason. And maybe him not communicating in the way I need him to is enough of a reason.
But once I start that process of thinking, that’s when we go down the rabbit hole of thinking everything else. Oh, well this must be going on. He doesn’t love me. He wouldn’t care if I died. I should just give up.
I know he does love me. And I know he tries hard to make me feel loved. A few days ago he came home with my favorite coffee from Starbucks AND a cotton candy blizzard from DQ because cotton candy isn’t ever available and it’s the superior flavor (don’t tell me I’m wrong, I don’t want to hear it 🙃).
So I know I’m just being…
I’m upset about a lot of things that I have no say and no control over. I don’t have any sort of outlet this week with there being no therapy…so I guess yeah. I’m taking it out on him a little bit.
I think the truth is just that I miss him. We’re not connecting in the way that I need to, and I just miss him. I’m pushing him away, and he’s letting me.
It’s not even 7:30am yet. And this Monday sucks.
Like I said, I’m just preemptively feeling badly about the things today will likely bring. And it sucks that I don’t have therapy until next week.
I’m just not feeling in a strong enough place to get bad news.