What is wrong with me?

I’m leaving in….36 hours?

I have not started packing.

Nothing is gathered or together. Laundry isn’t done. Well, it’s washed, but not folded.

Traveling isn’t difficult for me. Packing isn’t difficult. So….what’s the fucking problem?

Why am I suddenly SO paralyzed with anxiety and depression that NOTHING can get done?

Am I so much of a failure?

Is it because my husband isn’t coming with me, and at the end of the day…maybe I’m not that excited?

Maybe I’m actually terrified to go without him?

I’m going away for a week with my parents and my brother…and my parents usually hate me (at least that’s how I feel)…..

I DONT KNOWWWWWWW.

I am literally having so many feelings.

All I want is to go away. I want to go away so desperately. So desperately…that I’m already dreading going home.

I need to sleep. I need to smile. Shit, I need to have to time to myself to, not only eat 3 meals a day…but to eat an exorbitant amount of calories in both meals, snacks and pure sugar.

Yes, going to Universal Orlando will solve every temporary problem I’m faced with. And I AM excited.

But I’m feeling stuck.

It’s like…I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to be happy. To have a break.

To get exactly what I need.

I don’t want a taste of the good thing…only to have to come home to my shitty reality.

The reality that is physically painful, and emotionally exhausting. The reality that comes with being a parent to 3 special needs children, while facing my OWN health challenges…because I have the same thing they do. And progressive genetic disorders fucking suck.

I have saved absolutely everything until the last minute. And my to do list is not a short one.

Maybe I’m having feelings because Saturday is my birthday, and I won’t be with my husband to celebrate.

Maybe I’m feeling like no one will care. And I’m feeling alone and….unimportant. I don’t know.

Things are off right now. There’s just…something that feels off.

And I can’t help but continuously ask myself….

What the fuck is wrong with me?