It’s really just that simple. Depression fucking sucks. It sneaks up on you, even when you think, when you’re trying so desperately hard to convince yourself…that you’re ahead. That you’re in control.
I should’ve known by the level of procrastination that’s happening that I was headed face first into a pit of depression….but still. I tried to look the other way and pretend I didn’t see it.
My husband took the kids to therapy today so I could pack. Except, I didn’t pack. I slept.
And when I wasn’t actually asleep, I sure as hell didn’t want to be productive. I wanted to lay in bed.
Yeah, I’ve only been getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night…6 on a great night….so everything about me is completely exhausted. My body, my mind…I’m just depleted. So I didn’t want to spend my quiet hours packing or doing laundry or getting things ready. I wanted to sleep.
I’m flying the morning of the 8th, so time isn’t exactly on my side. I’m not out of time either…but, just like many other things…I find myself behind.
I’m disappointed in myself, I feel like a failure for so many reasons, and I feel like I just can’t get it together and can’t do anything right. It’s…frustrating.
I feel like I’m failing just for simply existing. For me, the self loathing is the thing that goes hand in hand with depression. They just feed off each other and grow. And it crushes me, and makes me feel so impossibly small.
Now I’m drinking way too much to try to numb the pain. To try to silence the voices that insist that I’m a failure. This is not the cycle I want to be in.
I’ll be ok. I have a good week ahead of me, a break from my life for a few days.
I just have to get there.
Keep fighting back–you know deep down that those voices are not accurate! It’s hard, but don’t give up. And rest days are necessary sometimes. I have been taking a few lately. ❤️
Rest days are absolutely necessary, and I’m glad you’re taking them!!
I just hate that I feel so guilty for taking them 😞