When life is moving a million miles a minute

Whew. Life sure has been a whirlwind lately.

I got home from my trip Saturday evening. By Monday, we got the news that my husbands dad, who has been battling cancer for a while, was not doing well. By Tuesday we were booking flights, and by Thursday, he left.

My husband flew out yesterday to be with his dad, who is in pretty rough shape. He has been battling colon cancer for years, for as long as I’ve known him. Within the last few months, they found a new cancer in his throat, and he begun getting radiation for that recently. Due to the cancer and the radiation, his throat got so raw and painful that eating became impossible. He lost the ability to eat, drink or talk. He’s extremely malnourished, is basically all bone, and is now sleeping most of the day.

My husbands brother flew out a few days ago too.

They were unable to place a feeding tube yesterday because his liver was so enlarged. I think the plan is to try again today after a CT scan to see if they can get better access.

My husband plans on staying there for…I don’t know how long.

He said that his dad really perked up seeing him and having him be there, and he looked the best he’s looked in a few days because he was there. So I am glad he was able to go.


The other update – how I’m handling it all

That’s the medical update. The factual side of it all.

But how am I doing? Well…I don’t do super well being on my own.

During the day with the kids, I’m fine. I’m quite used to being on my own with them all day every day, as that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 6 years.

It sucks and it’s brutal….but it’s nothing new.

The nights, however…are freaking awful.

There is something about once I put the kids to bed, and the day is over…the house is finally quiet. The peace I’ve wanted all day.

But my brain is not quiet. The anxiety and the panic and the fear sets in. And there’s just…there’s nothing like that feeling that sets in. It’s just it’s own level of anxiety that’s unlike anything else. I really don’t know how else to describe it. And the later it gets, the worse that feeling gets.

It’s just a helpless, shitty, scary feeling. My husband spent the majority of our marriage, up until recently, in the military. So weekends alone and him going on trips was par for the course. And it was just as bad then.

Yesterday morning, I messaged my therapist and told her that my husband suddenly left, and she knew what that meant. She knows I do not handle the nights well at all.

She basically told me to not do stupid shit, and to rely on my support system. Ugh. I hate doing that.

Last night was my first night alone, and it went exactly how I thought it would. The silence was deafening, even though the tv was on. My mind was racing, I drank more than I should have, and it ended with me sitting on the bathroom floor (the infamous spot where all the negative emotions come out).

I didn’t fall asleep until nearly midnight, my bed was cold, and it sucked.

I don’t know exactly how long my husband will be gone. Right now, he’s planning on a week. But I could see him easily wanting to stay longer.

Night one was brutal. And I’m honestly not expecting them to get any better.

It did help a lot that my friends were all being persistent and talking to me, it kept my brain much more occupied than it otherwise would’ve been, and feeling less alone. Even my therapist sent me a message later that night reminding me not to do stupid shit, which I appreciated a lot, because it was right at the moment I was starting to feel really bad.

So, yeah. Things are rough right now. The chaos of dealing with the days on my own, having all 3 kids with no help 24/7, and the absolutely awful panic that nighttime brings….It’s not fun.

And I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through it.

I’m not rushing my husband home, or making him feel badly or stressed about leaving at all.

But I’d be lying if I said I thought I could handle this.

6 thoughts on “When life is moving a million miles a minute”

  1. I’m so sorry about Derek’s dad. It sounds awful for him to be in this position. I’ll be thinking of them.
    You, dear Jackie, you got this! You never give yourself enough credit. I hope you can find a different coping technique and that you will drink less vs. more, though. When I’m home alone with the kids, I always get nervous about drinking anything, just because I’d be the one responsible for driving them to the hospital if something were to happen. Not that I’m anticipating the worst, but it’s something in the back of my mind.
    I hope today goes well for you, and tonight is better than the last. Sending you positive vibes 🫂

    1. Thank you 🩵
      Yeah I hate that they’re in that position. I feel bad that I can’t be there with him.
      I’m hoping the days/nights go better here than I’m fearing they will

  2. Isolation is actually a form of torture. I’m alone all the time. The first year was unbearable but then I l learned how to talk myself out of it, find stuff to do, come here and post, find reasons to feel thankful. Stuff like that there. Just trying to come up with suggestions.

    1. It really does feel torturous. It’s a hard thing to “get used to”.
      It helps to keep my mind busy…but tonight I’ve done the opposite. Isolated, numbed my mind with alcohol, and withdrew. I just didn’t have the energy to care.
      Writing helps. Connecting helps. But sometimes, even when you *know* what helps…it’s still hard to do.

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