I’m in a strange phase of life right now. I’ve been in it for a while, but it feels pretty significant right now.
This…constant push and pull.
I love you, I need you, please don’t leave me…
I don’t need you, I’m fine on my own, go away.
With my husband, with my friends, with my therapist…with everyone important.
I push people away when I need them the most.
I get scared, I think they don’t want me or need me…so I run.
Anyway, the moral of this post is…drink less, and make better choices. Stop convincing myself that I’m alone. Stop allowing myself to be alone.
I’ve been trying to be open and honest with people lately.
I even told my best friend last night that I think I’m in a place where I’m finally ready to accept help and accept that I can’t fight this fight on my own.
This post is all over the place, or at least…it feels in my head like it is.
Because my head feels all over the place. I know I’ve been extremely caught up in my own head lately.
And I’ve been drinking the massive amounts of anxiety away.
This season of life has been insanely hard. I’ve been alone for nearly 3 weeks now. Left to my own imagination about what my husband is doing or thinking or anything.
Left to my own devices at home. My own routine, my own thoughts…my own choices. With no one to check in with late at night…no one to be “presentable” for…just…me.
It’s just me here.
And while I do think he may be back soon…for now…it’s just me.
And just me…is really hard to cope with.
And my drinking has become so above and beyond.