Ugh. It’s been a whole night.
Haven’t they all been lately?
I don’t know what to say. I’m struggling. Things feel worse than they should. And it’s ……hard. Life is hard right now.
I want to know that I’m not alone.
I want to know that I’ll be okay.
Everything feels so scary and drastic.
Alone, literally no money or income, no emotional support (except for here, this blog, which has been amazing).
I’m struggling to conform to a reality that isn’t quite…what reality actually looks like. Or at least, what it should look like.
And by that, I mean, my husband has been away. And I’ve been doing 100% of everyone on my own for weeks now.
It’s been fucking brutal. But I’ve tried to adjust to it.
At least, all said and done…and the end of the day…ALL I had to do was focus on my own needs. Once I got the kids to bed, all I had to do was think about myself. No one to lie to me about their emotional needs, no one to check in with….idk. I can’t explain it.
I’m having a bad night.
The nightmares have been so bad lately. And sleep has been hard to come by.
I owe you a more honest update.
And tomorrow, I’ll give you one.
But tonight is hard. It’s so hard. And it’s weird.
It’s everything in me to just survive.
Try TRY to remember that I’m not alone.
Fuck it already.
I am so tired. I’m absolutely every sense of the word.
It just seems like I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep up.
Thing aren’t getting better. And I feel like I can’t keep up. I can’t do it anymore.
I don’t think I can survive this current, drastic, state of life.
As hard as I’m trying…I honestly, seriously, question it’s survivability.