The first day of “normal”

Whew. Here’s the update post we’ve all been waiting for!

My husband is officially home. He flew back in late Saturday night, and yesterday was the first day he was really home. We didn’t tell the kids he was coming back (because I didn’t even believe it myself), so they were really surprised and happy when they saw him Sunday morning.

By now, we all know that I have a rough time with transitions. People coming in and out, the change in routine…all of that. So, as truly excited as I was to have him come home, I was worried about how I’d adjust, what his mood would be like…all of that.

Knowing that this is something I struggle with, we both made a conscious decision to be gentle with each other as he eased back in. I mean, he’d been gone for nearly 3 weeks. And as awful as it was and as much as I missed him every single day, I did manage to create my own routine…even if that routine was just purely survival mode.

Yesterday was great. After the baby took his nap, I said to everyone “goodbye, get out of my house!!!!!” and he took them all out to a cousins birthday party, where they ate way too much sugar and junk, but had a great time overall. (Daddy is home, right? That means they can do whatever they want? 🤦🏻‍♀️)

He has to go back to work already this morning, because we quite literally have absolutely no money, and every single one of our accounts is overdrawn. So…that’s been fun. And totally not stressful at all.

So really, we only had one day with him. I only got half of “a day off”, and we’re right back in it now. Right back in real life. He hasn’t worked in 6 weeks now. With everything that’s been going on, one thing after the next after the next…it’s been freaking brutal.

The amount of panic and anxiety I have been experiencing lately is absolutely crushing.

It’s like, I don’t even want to drink. But I am having multiple panic attacks a day, can’t breathe, and feel completely, 100% consumed by anxiety. It’s…it fucking sucks.

Last night was rough. I’m still having to adjust from my alone, being on my own for 3 weeks routine, to my real life routine.

As much as my husband desperately needs to start working again…I could literally throw up from the amount of anxiety I feel right now. I think I might actually cry lol. He’s on his way out the door, and it just…it hurts.

He’s been gone for so long, finally comes back…and one day later, is back at work. Back in the daily grind, and I’m back on my own. I just really…miss him.

We shot a video last night where he talked about his experience, and that was rough for both of us. It was good to talk about things, but still, it’s hard to talk about.

I have therapy tonight, as I do every Monday. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Things have been rocky the past few weeks. And even though I’ll go in there the same way I always do and pretend everything is fine, the anxiety will be in the foreground and probably dictating my words and actions. It sucks. But I’m hoping this week we can get back on track and feel okay again.

So, that’s where we stand. My husband is home now after 3 weeks of being away taking care of his dad. We spent one day together, and he’s already back at work.

My anxiety is completely out of control, and to be honest, I’m afraid of how this day is going to go. My oldest son seems to be particularly on edge and hair trigger today as well, and…to be very honest, that’s really triggering for me and hard to deal with.

I’m happy he’s home. But…I wish he were home. Instead, it’s just another, normal Monday. Alone, with all 3 kids. Who happen to all be grumpy today.

At least he’ll be there when I get home from therapy tonight. At least, whatever happens there, I’ll be going home to someone who loves me.