This morning has not been my favorite morning. It’s 7:13am right now, when I’m starting to write this blog. I woke up late, at 6:18am, when I usually get up at 6 or earlier. That only left me with 12 minutes of “coffee time” before it was time to get the kids up and going for the day.
My husband leaves for work at 7:30. That gives me about 30 minutes total for me to do what *I* need to do in the morning.
This morning, I was working on editing a video, when my iMovie decided to fucking crash and deleted 3 different projects I was in the middle of working on, including deleting the files from my media folder. So, that made me feel fantastic. Hours of work gone, but okay.
I hate that he leaves for work so early. It’s like, he got home from being away for nearly 3 weeks, we’ve spent close to zero quality time together, and now he just goes to work all day everyday, while I stay at home with the kids. I mean, I get that that’s just…life. That’s our life.
But I feel like things have been weird.
Therapy last night went….I don’t know. Maybe it went fine, it certainly didn’t go as poorly as it had the 2 weeks prior.
But when I got home, things felt weird. My husband was on the phone talking to people when I walked in, and it was just…I don’t know.
I’m trying HARD to be patient with him right now. But last night, my therapist was like “why didn’t your husband come tonight” (he comes often enough and tonight would’ve been obviously a really good time to come)
So, when I got home, I told him that she said that. And he was like “oh, I just needed some time alone.”
And I wanted to be like …. excuse me? You just spent the last 3 weeks “alone” without me. You got home a day ago and you already need time “alone”???!!
I get it. I do. He’s been going through a rough time too. And has been dealing with a lot. But still. It hurt, and it stung. I feel like we really haven’t spent any like…actual time together. And I don’t know. I guess I still feel pretty alone…even though he’s home. Which really sucks.
I know that he’s been dealing with a lot, and my emotions don’t matter. They never do. It isn’t about me, and I don’t get to have feelings. Don’t worry, that definitely doesn’t make me feel more alone and awful.
He’s on his way out the door. And the anxiety of the day ahead of me is creeping in.
I think part of my feelings are that, I’m used to him turning to me when he’s going through something. Not away from me. Or, at least what feels like is going away from me.
Life is fucking hard right now. And it’s harder now that he’s home. Because now he’s having all of these feelings that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with.
I just want things to be “normal” again. And I’m truly starting to think that “normal” is never coming back.
And that feeling is really quite stressful and upsetting.
Well, that’s it for this post! Gotta take my 4 year old to urgent care, as it appears that he now needs stitches on his head 🙃🙃🙃
Least graphic picture I have, but I assure you, it’s pretty deep and bleeding a ton.