Loving, when loving is difficult to do

I think it’s fair to say that the hardest topic for me to write about it my kids and their struggles.

All 3 of my kids struggle physically, a courtesy of the genetic disorder that the 4 of us share.

But sometimes, my oldest son in particular, struggles with behavior as well. Now, this is the sweetest, smartest, and most loving kid in the world…when he wants to be. But he just doesn’t always want to be. Or can be. I don’t know.

So, we have bad days.

And some really bad days.

He’s been in therapy for the past few months now, and it was a battle even just to get that started. He’s only 6, so finding someone (competent) that would see a child that young was hard to find.

It has helped, or, at least it was. The past month or so we’ve seen some serious regressions in behavior. And it’s sucked.

To be fair, there has been a LOT going on this month. First I went away for a week, then as soon as I got home, my husband unexpectedly went away for nearly 3 weeks to take care of his dad. So there has been a lot of in and out in his life.

But on the other hand, my 4 year old (and 9month old) handled the changes just fine. So I don’t know.

Yesterday was one of the really bad days. And it wasn’t all day. It usually starts after dinner time, when we’re getting ready for bed.

Now, I have learned over the past few years, to NOT let him escalate to the point where no one will be able to calm down. I usually intervene relatively immediately, and try to use calming strategies with him that he’s learned in therapy.

But yesterday my parents were getting onto him about, well, basically being a little shit head (my words), and he was just not listening or cooperating, and it escalated and it just turned into a shit show.

These nights are incredibly triggering for me. And really, really hard for me to stay calm for.

It ALWAYS leads to me having major anxiety, and needing to drink to calm myself down internally.

Because of my past and my childhood, growing up being abused by my sister and NEVER feeling safe…it’s hard for me to deal with these kinds of rough days.

And it can be harder than it should be to move on and forgive.

I have to remind myself, and make a conscious effort to love him. To remember that he’s just a kid, he isn’t acting this way in purpose (I think?) and that I DO love him.

He isn’t always easy to love. And honestly, neither am I. I’m a pain in the ass, I’m difficult, and I’m sure I’m not always lovable.

But we love each other anyway…even in the hardest of moments.

And we just hope for a better tomorrow. A better tomorrow HAS to come someday…

4 thoughts on “Loving, when loving is difficult to do”

  1. I’m like 100% sure Christian doesn’t *want* to misbehave. He’s too little to have control or a choice to purposely make everyone’s lives difficult.
    Of course, I’m not a therapist or doctor, so this opinion is purely based on my experience as a mother and friend to lots of people with kids. 😆
    How’s Phoenix’ head doing?

    1. I know, I know it’s not his fault or anything. It just REALLY seems like he intentionally gets on everyone’s nerves in all the right ways 🙃

      He seems okay! They glued it shut and we took the bandaid off yesterday afternoon. Now it just looks bad, but his brain seems fine 😂

  2. I write behavior plans, and I always tell the teams that I am helping, that behavior is communication.

    Lol, not that I always remember that with my daughter! It does, however, drive me crazy when other people escalate her, then leave me to clean up the mess!

    1. Seriously! As if it isn’t hard enough 😞
      And my son throws up EVERY time he gets upset enough so it’s a literal mess on top of an emotional one 🙃

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