Don’t shut down, don’t stop talking.

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past….well, I guess my entire life.

And if there’s one thing that I know to be true, it’s that when I feel alone with my emotions, I become extremely self destructive.

I’m having a tough time right now. I’m going through it, I’m feeling all the fucking feelings. And I’m EXTREMELY in my head about it. I feel alone. And when I feel alone, I convince myself that I am alone.

I pull away from everyone. I withdraw. I drink more. And other things more. Anything self destructive that you can possibly think of, yeah, I probably do that too.

So here I am. Being honest and being vulnerable. Doing the opposite of what I want to do. (Hey wait, I think that’s a thing we’ve talked about a bunch in therapy….is this the therapy working?!?!? )

I’m writing and I’m talking and showing up even though all I want to do is crawl into a den of depression and lay down and die. Literally.

So this is where I am right now. I’m struggling. Kind of a whole fucking lot. And all I want to do is tap.the.fuck.out. And continue down this rabbit hole of bad choices and self destruction.

It’s even harder to talk about these things because I already feel so alone. And it all just feels so big in my head. And if it feels big in my head, that must mean that if I talk about it, I’ll scare you away. Right?

Yeah. That’s some brain logic right there.

Feeling big feelings. Making bad choices. Want to reach out, but will push everyone away out of fear instead.

So I’m writing. And I’m talking. And being honest and vulnerable. Sort of. There’s still a lot going on that I’m afraid to get into. And that’s probably playing a big role in why I feel so badly right now.

Honesty is hard.

Vulnerability is harder.

Feeling alone in my feelings is the hardest.

So maybe, this time…we choose a less hard path.

Just maybe.

5 thoughts on “Don’t shut down, don’t stop talking.”

    1. It went how we expected it to for the most part. It’s hard because the test itself HAS to be under 2 minutes since it’s under X-ray. So you get a really small sample size of the child’s actual capabilities. But it showed him aspirating on thin AND thickened liquids. So we now have a complicated game plan in place. I’m just glad during the limited window of testing that he didn’t appear to be perfect and have no issues. But it also sucks that he’s so weak that even thickened liquids, he’s still aspirating on.

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