This morning was a rough one. A really, really rough one.
And I’m not going lie, it’s starting to feel like I’m losing the war.
I am tired. Literally. Physically, emotionally, mentally…I’m just so done.
I can’t keep waking up at 4am. I can’t keep having these same battles, day after day.
For a few years now, I have been quite sure that my 4, almost 5 year old, has some degree of autism. And honestly, I think that’s playing the largest role in this fucked up sleeping situation. He’ll wake up, at ANY time in the middle of the night…2, 3, 4…it doesn’t matter. And turn on the light. Wake up his brother. And start playing. Neither of them go back to sleep once they’ve woken up.
So they’re always tired.
And tired kids are grumpy.
And I’m always tired.
And a tired mom is even more grumpy.
I love that child more than anything in the world. He’s the sweetest, most loving, happy go lucky little shit that there is.
But god DAMN does he drive me nuts sometimes.
If you know me, you know that this boy has my heart. I’ll always be HIS best friend, and there’s not shortage of love pouring out of him. I do have a hard time being angry or upset with him. But I am just So. Damn. Tired.
It has also been a CONSTANT, on the go kind of week. The boys have therapy every single day in the afternoon. Multiple hours a day of PT, OT or speech. That’s our normal. But it gets hard when the other appointments pile up. This week and last week, EVERY single morning, someone has had something.
Pediatrician appointments, dentist appointment, therapy, swallow studies…it’s just been constant go go go.
Which means Atlas hasn’t had time for naps. And again, today, he won’t get a proper. Sure, he’ll fall asleep in the car, but a 20 minute nap isn’t enough to get him through the day.
Ugh. It’s just a busy life, with no sleep and little help. I just need more help I think. Everything is my responsibility, lays on my shoulders. It’s hard to fit everything in while still meeting everyone’s needs…including my own.
So I’m just feeling a little…or a lot…burnt out.
I just have to make it through the day.