When the weight of the world gets a little bit lighter

Last night was one of the most necessary therapy sessions I’ve had in a while.

After last week, where my dad came and boldly voiced his (highly negative) opinion of me for 2 hours straight, I really needed a session for myself to just…talk about that. My mom will be coming next week, and that’ll be a lot too. So I’m really glad I had last night for myself.

Yesterday was a weird day for me. As you may or may not know, I share the genetic disorder that my kids have. Hell, it all started with me. I’m the one that gave it to them. And that means that the majority of my days are spent in pain.

Naturally, some days are going to be better than others. And yesterday was a baddddddd pain day.

So we ended up sitting on the floor for 2 hours during therapy, because sitting on a couch or a chair like a normal human being would’ve been absolutely unbearable for me. The drive home was a next level of awful, and the pain didn’t get better as the night went on. But, it is what it is.

We spend most of the time talking about last week, and my strong feelings and opinions on that. She also had a few thoughts about how it went, and it’s good to know that we’re pretty much on the same page.

We both agree that the session with my dad wasn’t exactly…productive? In the sense that most of it was just spent with him kind of talking, and we really didn’t get anywhere, or come up with any solutions or anything like that.

With my mom coming in next week, we spent some time prepping for that, and are hoping that conversation is a more productive one. At least, that’s kind of how we set it up to be.

I still think it’s funny that I knew exactly what my dad was going to say, how was going to say it, and when. And I was 100% spot on.

I honestly have no idea how the session with my mom is going to go. I’m hoping that she’s a bit…nicer? Than my dad was? But I could be totally wrong, and she could absolutely come in and shit on me for 2 hours, just like my dad did last week. I really hope that’s not the case though.

For as extremely similar as my dad and I are…my mom and I are quite different. So I really just don’t know.

If nothing else, if literally nothing comes out of this in terms of change or anything like that, I actually think it’s super helpful that my therapist is meeting my parents.

I mean, I’ve been sitting in her office, for multiple hours a week, for literally 8 years now. And quite a lot of those hours have been me bitching about my parents, and what they said or did that annoyed me. And now she’s meeting them. So she can TOTALLY understand what I mean now in a whole new way. Which, I do think is very helpful.

So, yeah. It went well, we sat on the floor, and it was honestly the only part of my day that I wasn’t in excruciating physical pain.

Today, the pain isn’t any better, and my husband also woke up with a migraine. So it’s been a rough morning.

But I feel an immense sense of relief after therapy last night. I’ve been carrying around my dad’s words like they weighed 10,000 pounds, and I’m forced to carry it on my shoulders. But today, I do feel lighter. Like, now that I was able to talk about it and voice how I felt…it got lighter.

I don’t have a ton of support in my life. But the support that I do have?

I’m really fucking grateful for.

4 thoughts on “When the weight of the world gets a little bit lighter”

  1. I can’t imagine the burden you felt after hearing those negative words from your father, regardless if you expected them or not.
    Last week, we started therapy, and my husband and I went together since its intention was to find a way to parent a child with a condition that we just discovered a month ago. And even though it went well and mostly positive, the few times where my husband hinted that I didn’t handle a certain situation perfectly, they still bother me!
    I hope the therapy with your mom will be less brutal and filled with more empathy.
    How did you end up with the genetic condition you have? Is your sister affected as well?

    1. I’m glad you started therapy though! That’s a great step. But yeah, that definitely isn’t a good feeling. It’s hard to let go of things like that, especially when it comes to your parenting 🙄🙄🙄

      I’m the first one with this genetic disorder, or at least the first one with severe enough symptoms for it to be noticeable. My sister doesn’t have it, she’s just her own special kind of a mess

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