Today was a rough day.
That’s okay, that happens sometimes.
My body has not been feeling its best self physically, my emotions are all over the place…
It’s just been rough. In more ways than one.
It’s nights like these, where I’m feeling a little bit extra fragile, that I need to…..be careful of.
I’m already way too many drinks into the night, and trust me, the night is young. And I need to slow down.
I want to reach out. I want to talk to someone. But I can’t. Because I don’t know who to go to.
I picked a fight with my husband before…or maybe I didn’t…maybe I just demanded that my voice be heard…that I didn’t feel as if he was taking me seriously…that I’m telling him I need support right now and I didn’t feel like I was getting it…..
He’s being more attentive now. I guess he heard me this time. At least he’s making an effort. But I shouldn’t have to beg for it….
I don’t know. These nights are rough.
The nights that I know I need a person. That I need to not be alone.
Yet, I am. I’m alone.
And when I’m alone, when I feel alone…I do stupid shit.
I drink….3x as much as I should. And mix it with pills. Because why not? The goal is to get fucked up, right?
Okay. I’m using a lot of words to get one point across. And I’m choosing them carefully.
Here’s what happens if I just write honestly, and don’t chose my words carefully.
Today sucked. Tonight’s worse. I need people. But I don’t have the people. Or, maybe more accurately, I don’t want to bother them. Or, I feel like they don’t care. Or even still, I feel like I have tried (granted, in my INCREDIBLY subtle ways…and have not gotten what I’ve needed). Which I take to mean that I am a burden. That I can’t reach out.
That I’m alone.
And when I feel alone, I act on it.
And I drink way too much. (etc…etc……)
I have too many fucking thoughts in my head, and nowhere to go with them.
I’m afraid of tonight.
I’m afraid of where it goes.
And I should be.
Because it’s just so fucking familiar.
I hope you feel better by now 🫂
Definitely not. A bit worse. Or a lot worse. Idk. Just a bad night. And I hate it.
I’m so sorry. Can you just go to sleep? Let the evening be done with and start over tomorrow?
I should definitely do that. But my urge is to make another drink and go whenever that leads instead. Which is wrong and stupid.
Yes, yes it is. Knock it off, and go to sleep!
Email me if you want my phone number.
This has been me for pretty much the last ten years of my life. It’s maddening when you know you shouldn’t self-medicate, but you don’t care enough not to.
I’m sorry you had a rough day. Hopefully today is better.
It really is frustrating. Like…I KNOW that drinking this drink will not make a damn thing better. But I do it anyway. 😞
Today will be better.
Hang in there.