“She’s insane!!!!!” I say very loudly and very matter of factly as I leave therapy late last night.
But …who am I referring to?
SURELY, she isn’t insane. Otherwise, why would I spend at least 2 hours a week talking to her, trying to overcome life’s biggest obstacles and challenges?
Of course I wouldn’t allow myself to try to trust, and to try to allow myself to become fully vulnerable to….a person conflicted of insanity…….. Right?
I do know one person who I would deem worthy of the definition of actual insanity…but it isn’t my therapist.
It is however…the person in which I hold the most hatred for on the planet.
It’s my sister.
(You know…the person who tortured and abused me literally my entire damn life growing up?!? Yeah, THAT’S THE ONE!!!)
However, I was referring to my therapist.
Why, you ask?
Because she actually WANTS MY SISTER TO COME IN FOR A SESSION.
When she mentioned it a few weeks ago, I literally thought she was kidding. Yes, we just had both of my parents come in, and yes, it was extremely telling and accurate and I think it made my life make a whole lot more sense to her…
But my sister?!?!
I literally thought it was a joke.
So when she asked me again last night and …wasn’t joking?
Yes, it crossed my mind that she might be crazy. (I know she isn’t literally crazy and I *do* trust her…but still.)
So…I guess…this is a thing that’s happening now…like, we actually scheduled it for when she’ll be here in December for Christmas.
I haven’t spoken more than 5 words at a time to my sister in…years. I don’t like her. And I blame her for my miserable existence growing up. She set the foundation for many parts of my life to be what they’ve become. I also question her mental stability, and I’d never tell her any of the things I actually feel. Because I feel pretty strongly.
So we’ll have a lot of prep work to do before this happens.
Ya know what, I don’t even care. It is what it is. Kind of like how I felt about my parents, I knew they’d talk some major shit about me (they did) and it would be rough (it was), but I’m also glad it happened, and that my therapist was able to see first hand what the hell I’m talking about when I talk about these people.
Am I expecting it to be life changing and for us to be filled with nothing but love for each other? Absolutely not. No one is expecting that.
But I do see how it could be…umm…okay?
Yes, I’m clearly hesitant about this.
But my therapist isn’t entirely wrong in that I do trust her enough to let it happen. I mean, it has been 8 years.
The worst that happens is that it’s a bad hour. It’ll be awkward and uncomfortable. And to be honest, I have no idea who the hell is going to carry the conversation.
So, we have a month to prepare for that. And I think I’ll need every second of it to get to a place where I can see her as a person enough to have a conversation with, instead of just a thing that I literally hate.
Despite the moments of temporary insanity my therapist surely must’ve endured to suggest something so unheard of, therapy went well.
We seem to be in a good place, and have been for a while now. Which is really just so appreciated and necessary. I mean, damn. I’m letting her meet my sister.
Maybe I’m the crazy one….🤔
(Did I mention we’re on the road traveling over 2.5 hours with all 3 kids going to see our neuromuscular doctor again?) yeah. It’s been a WHOLE freaking morning already. We’re in for a loooong day. At least my husband is driving!