Sometimes, you find yourself in a situation where there are truly just no right answers.
Sure, there may be a slightly less wrong one? But really, given the choices, you wish you just didn’t have to choose at all. Because no matter what you do, you’ll feel like it was the wrong choice.
(At the end of this post, I’m asking for your help. I desperately want an abundance of opinions and suggestions on this one.)
That’s where I am right now.
Facing an absolutely impossible situation, with literally no right answer.
In my situation, there is a…least wrong…solution. I think. (We’ll see.)
I still have not gotten a response from my birth sons adoptive parents. For the first time, ever, in our 9 and a half year relationship, they didn’t respond to my predictable and anticipated “what can I get him and his older brother for Christmas this year” text.
I explained the situation in more detail in a post last week, if you want more backstory.
But basically, my relationship with them has always been stable, predictable, and drama free. I’ve been paranoid about placing and maintaining boundaries on their behalf, so when the time came, they had absolutely no reason not to trust me.
I text, they answer. It’s never been an issue.
Last year at Christmas time, THEY offered up the information that my birth son wanted to meet me, and that “soon”, they’d work on introducing me to him. They reiterated it again in April, on his birthday. For the entire year, up until the last few months, THEY’VE been initiating more contact.
They reached out more. Sent more pictures. Checked in more often.
I did not ask for this shift to happen, but of course I accepted it gleefully.
Then, around September…things shifted again. Noticeably. They started taking longer to respond to texts, they stopped reaching out…it just felt…different.
2 weeks ago, I texted them, much like I always do.
And they still haven’t responded. For the first time ever, silence.
In therapy last Monday, we kind of agreed that the least wrong answer in this case is probably to send a follow up text. As opposed to…never reaching out again, and waiting until they initiate a conversation. But that hurts…everyone. My kids, me, my birth son…and I don’t want to hurt them.
But the text.
It has to be perfect.
It has to be slightly self depreciating and accepting of blame while also apologizing for it, it HAS to give them an out (ie, I know how busy you all are!), it has to convey that I’m respecting them and their family, and it should also, SUBTLY say that I’m hurt, or at least am noticing, this change.
It has to be the perfectly crafted text.
I only have one draft, that I wrote out a few days after I sent the original text.
“Hey! I noticed that you’ve been more hesitant to respond lately. I’m wondering if there’s anything going on, or anything I’ve done that’s possibly upset you? If that’s the case, I truly am sorry and I absolutely did not mean to do anything that could be seen as negative at all! If you need more distance from me right now I totally understand and I’ll definitely step back. As always, whatever you need from me, I’m absolutely willing to do. Hope you’re all doing well.”
Please help me.
I want any and ALL opinions. Edit this text. What should I add? What should I take out? Should I even send anything?
I have to have this figured out by the time I go to therapy at 6pm tonight. I’m going to send it then, so I can at least spend the following 2 hours in a safe place where they either will very politely and politically correct respond, or they won’t.
This is definitely the most vulnerable, real, and emotion filled text I’ve ever had to send them. Up until now…calculated and predictable and no drama whatsoever.
So…yeah.
I know they will answer. It will be generic. I know them. And I guarantee, it will be VERY close to something along the lines of “I’m so sorry! We’ve been so busy and I totally forgot to respond. How wonderful of you to think of the boys. They are into xyz. Why don’t you send that.”
I’d put money on it.
Yes, they’ll respond this time. But it won’t address anything. And that’s fine.
I’m fine. Everything is fine.
I haven’t been in a downward spiral all week because of this or anything. Don’t worry.
I’m fine!
In my humble opinion, I think you should send a follow-up text, but without the baggage.
Just “Hey, gentle reminder to please let me know what the boys would like for Christmas, before I run out of time. I know you guys are busy. Thanks 😊 ”
Something along those lines.
That’s definitely an option, and the one that I normally take. But in this case, since it HAS been so wildly different this year, I’m wondering if it does need to be more…less standard? I don’t know 😭
Maybe you’re right. I just don’t know
I hear you. It’s tough. Since you KNOW they’ll give you a generic, friendly answer, regardless if you pour your heart out, I don’t think you should show your vulnerability like that. At least not coupled to this simple question of which gifts to buy.
I would keep it a conversation for another time, where there are no stakes (NEEDING information).
That’s very true. But last year when I asking even asking for it THEY surprised me with more information than I asked for. So maybe if I open up the doors for conversation, it could be helpful?
But I do agree that since I am also seeking information (gifts), maybe it should be separate. Unless they don’t want me to send gifts and this is their way of telling me…ahhhhh
True, but if they don’t want to answer, you’ll feel less conflicted if you kept the text simple vs. if you do go into debt. Because then you’ll keep wondering if it was too much and it’ll be harder to seek contact again.
I’d say, keep it short and simple this time. And if you still don’t hear back, then ask more questions.
Depth, not debt 😂😂
I figured 😆
It’s early still here 😆
I feel like this is the way to go, too. Especially if you already know they’ll not respond to the other parts of the text.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Ugh, okay. Yeah, I can see that. It makes sense.
What about something in the middle? “Just following up, by the way, we good?” Lol or something like that 😅
I mean, you could say that. But what if simply asking that causes things to escalate?
It wouldn’t escalate in terms of making anything worse, they’re very put together people and are proper and respectful and all that. If I ask them directly, they’d answer.
I know they’re just insecure because my birth son has a lot of interest in me. I’ve done the work to prepare myself for them. They have not done the work to accept the very natural thing of him wanting me.
They’ve always been insecure with that. Ugh.
I’m not defending their insecurities in any shape or form, but having raised several foster kids and seeing those kids pine for their mothers (despite how awful their mothers treated them), I can understand their fear of your son being interested in you. That said, they need to be the bigger people and not stifle your son’s curiosity.
I would just worry if you ask if you’d done anything they may say things that hurt feelings, etc. They’re obviously struggling with the fact that a child wants to know about his mother, which is a completely natural thing that most adopted kids experience.
Like you said, there isn’t necessarily a right answer. I just kinda feel like less is best in this scenario, based on what bits I know of the situation.
I absolutely understand their insecurities and can empathize. They’re not afraid OF me, I know they love and fully trust me. They’re afraid of what it looks like, what happens next, where our (me and my son) relationship goes. I’m awesome and they know it. 🙃 But I’ve been playing the role of “you can trust me, when the time comes I promise I won’t step on your toes, just like I’m not stepping on them now!”
Whatever they say to me absolutely would hurt my feelings, without a doubt. They have so much power over me.
I think you’re right that less is possibly more right.
But I also want to know. I don’t want to be in the dark. They opened this door. I didn’t. They did. Maybe I want to put my foot through the door for the first time. Even if it hurts.
By the way, I appreciate you so much for talking this out with me. It’s helping a lot with me figuring out how I feel, and what I want or need
I absolutely understand your desire to know. My fear for you is that they misconstrue your intentions and pull further away, but that could be my complete lack of faith in humanity showing. 🤷
I’m glad this is helpful and I obviously hope things turn out well for you and your children. No child can ever have too many people caring for them.
That’s a possibility too, but I do hope they know my heart by now, and that I’ll do whatever it takes for him.
I’m not his parent, but I still feel like I need to advocate for him. If his voice isn’t being heard, I don’t like that. It’s his choice if we wants me in his life. If he’s changed his mind? That’s totally fine!!!! His choice.
But there’s a small part of me that feels his voice is being silenced because of fear. That’s what makes me feel like I need to be a bit more…bold, I suppose.
My feels don’t matter when it comes to him. His do. He is the priority.
I agree wholeheartedly with you. The problem is the parents hold the rights. So, all you can really do is make your opinions known to the parents and, unfortunately, they don’t have to listen. Hence, my opinion that saying less might be the better option.
Obviously, you have my support no matter what you choose, and I desperately hope things go the way you want them to.
Stay strong, my friend.
Hi, what you wrote is what you meant and it’s direct, gentle, and heartfelt. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. I suspect when you send gifts it probably makes your son renew his interest in meeting you, and that causes some discomfort in his home. If anything is going to escalate, it’s not going to be because of what you write, unless it’s really out of line, which this isn’t.
I completely agree. I know that’s it. I’ve had a great relationship with his parents for over 9 years, and have showed up in every way that I could’ve, while respecting their boundaries. I know sending things will do just that, make my son force the issue even more. I think that’s exactly the issue.
It’s a scary thing for them, I understand that. But still.
I know they’d respond respectfully, it’s just so scary approaching that line of communication