Day by day

What do you do when each day, you wonder if it might be your last?

Things aren’t going great around here. I’m all kinds of fucked up, and I’m all kinds of shut down.

I have 2 kinds of depression, or crisis mode, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

One where I write. A lot. Constantly. Try to get it all out. Try to vent. That’s probably the more self preservative one.

Then, there’s the other. Where I am now.

Shut down. Isolated. Going through the motions when I have to…but absolutely a complete fucking mess when I don’t. No writing. No talking. Twice as much drinking. Self injury. Crying. Nightmares.

That’s the concerning one.

It’s my biggest red flag. When I stop writing? When I stop talking? …..

Depression has not had this strong of a hold on me in probably close to 10 years.

Lately, I’m living each day as if it might be my last.

Because one of them probably will be at this rate.

I’m fighting. I don’t want it to go this way. I don’t want to feel alone.

But I do.

I’m alone. I feel alone.

And I feel like this time…there’s no way out.